• Oh dearest father

    by  • February 2, 2018 • Parents • 0 Comments

    Whats wrong with me?
    Is that a question you really have to ask?
    I’ve just come out of hospital – I’m a little bit in pain believe it or not
    I’ve been told to avoid stress, but it’s you stressing me, because you start fights, and you act like a dick. You’ve got to be right when what you say is based on bullshit, and I can show you scientific fact. But even when I don’t argue, you don’t drop it. So yes, I leave the room.
    You say it’s my friends stressing me out. No, I help my friends and they help me. You stress me out. You upset me. You both do. If I have to cut that stuff out my life, looks like I’m cutting you, so yes, I will leave the fucking room when you piss me off.
    And whilst I’ve been in hospital you’ve done nothing but disregard me, saying everything is fine etc. It’s not. I’m not. I’m not fine. Mum’s been terrified of me dying and I’ve been terrified of being told I’m going to live
    I’m scared
    You both came into my room, forcing me to talk. And when I let down one wall, you DISREGARDED me, so yeah, I turned into a bitch
    If I open up and you ruin that trust, or take advantage of that vulnerability, I will turn into a different person towards you, laughing at pain.
    You shouldn’t understand my tears as weakness, because you don’t know what’s causing them. But if I’m laughing with tear stained cheeks, be careful because it means you’re losing me.

    I started telling you, I’m kinda sick of you both disappearing into the kitchen.
    “No it’s not that” you said, but it is. I just didn’t take down the next walls – the ones where I could explain why that’s an issue.
    I’m scared of being lonely. I’m not scared of missing out on something. I’m scared of being alone. You vanishing into the kitchen – I genuinely feel like I come down, you two disappear and you don’t appear again until I’m gone. Mum does it with everyone.
    You both use friends against me, and how i don’t have any, which is why you’re “worried” about me going to uni. Yet when I do have friends, you scare them away, look at Victoria at the hospital, and you said yourself you aren’t even sorry about upsetting her.
    When I’m upstairs and I hear you all playing happy families, and even more when that stops when I come down, yes I feel alone. I feel like I’m inconvencing you by even existing.
    So I choose to be alone. Because that’s my choice. That isn’t people not wanting me.
    But I haven’t forgiven you. I still don’t want you around. When I see you, I remember all the pain you used to cause me, and still do, I remember seeing my mummy battered and bruised, crying.

    My first wall is a fear of loneliness – that’s the first thing that’s “wrong”
    But you couldn’t talk to me about that

    I won’t let you any closer until you can understand that first

    Next, you said you would “let” me have a day with my mum.
    Am I meant to be grateful? ‘Oh master, thank you, I’m so pleased’? NO!
    That’s not yours to give. You don’t fucking live here. Both of your kids hate you. We tolerate you for her. So don’t you dare “give” me a day with my mum. I can have days with my mum. I’m giving you time with her by leaving the room. I’m being less of a problem for you both, and your alone time, by leaving. Staying out the way. Sitting in my bedroom, making no noise, and pretending I don’t exist.
    You think she needs a break from us kids? Us kids need a break from you. Hell, so does she. The moment you leave, she slags you off, and your family, yet you think you are god’s gift to her?
    You’re a fucking twat

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