• What’s the purpose?

    by  • January 19, 2018 • * Safe for Work *, Loneliness • 1 Comment

    I have no job. I can’t get a job because I suffer from anxiety and get panic attacks during interviews.
    I applied for 700 last year, had a few hundred interviews and got nothing back. Not even worth a rejection.

    My doctor doesn’t think I need medication. He thinks talking to a therapist is all that’s needed. I’ve had 125 appointments with different therapists and cancelled each one due to my anxiety and fear about it.

    I have no friends. I lost contact with the very few friends I had when I met my husband. He left me too. Socialising is mentally draining. So exhausted.

    I slacked at school so didn’t get the qualifications needed to do anything purposeful with my life. I was invisible at school not naughty enough t o get attention, not smart enough to be encouraged.

    I don’t know what the point is anymore. I’m finding it hard to want to be here. Not suicidal, just no longer existing in this life. Because I am not living I’m just existing nothing brings me any joy.

    I have nothing and nobody. Because I am nothing and nobody.

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    One Response to What’s the purpose?

    1. PeterC
      January 20, 2018 at 9:34 am

      It sounds like you have worked so very, very hard to make a go of life. So many appointments, so many applications. I am amazed, astounded, at the number of applications. It says to me you have a lot of gumption, guts and focus. I know you are close to giving up, but honestly – such amazing effort.

      You are also reaching out on this site. That also means a part of you is not ready to give up on life. But, you also sound deeply in pain. In pain for your loss of social connections, romantic partnership, caring, love. I am so very sorry your life is so difficult and filled with pain and loss.

      I also hear that anxiety and fear play a major role in your life. They seem to be what blocks you from going to interviews, therapists and others who could yet help. There is a lot of conflict here between what you wish and what you fear. I have to say, it does sound to me that medication would help. No one would diagnose by email, but it really does seem that anti-anxiety medication and perhaps SSRI’s would help you gather the strength to then go in for therapy. If your doctor will not prescribe this, change your doctor. Seriously, unless there are other reasons your doctor will not prescribe, you need a different doctor.

      Anyway, good luck with all this. You still have a lot of life ahead of you and there is no reason why it cannot be filled with joy and satisfaction if you stick with a program of therapy and medication. I wish you a lot of luck!

      Peter




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