• Dude

    by  • January 17, 2018 • To You • 1 Comment

    I’m just fucking done. Totally.

    I don’t care if it’s amazing for moments, I don’t care if I thought I nearly fell in love with you, I don’t care if I thought for a moment it was meant to be. I don’t care if I thought for a hot second I’d finally met my match.

    I’ve been through hell, these last two years.

    Now that’s got nothing to do with you. I know. But in that time I’ve been raped, stalked and harassed by someone I thought was my love, and entrapped by the other when I had no choices left and nowhere else to go.

    You’re going through shit. I’m going through shit.

    You expect me to behave in a way that does not fit where I’m at. It doesn’t fit where either one of us are at. You know it.

    You know your own pain, where as each and every time our interactions trigger my own pain you discredit it. You minimize it. You make me feel guilty for my own feelings or expectations. You even go so far as to tell me I’m lying?

    Seriously, I can’t fucking do it. If you act like them, then you are them. You may as well be. If you know what pushes my buttons and you persist to push them but then have the audacity to make me feel guilty for my own reaction. Well, I’m not really a rabbit anymore darling. I used to be. But now somethings changed inside me, and I never want to go back to who I was. I want to go through to get out. I’m a lion. I’m a eagle. I’m a fucking bomb. Don’t poke me and don’t fucking tamper with me.

    I’m afraid. I will fight to protect myself every time. That’s where it’s at.

    Sure I wish it were different. But you want me to be something I’m not. You want me without all the problems and the baggage. You’re angry at me for my baggage. You’re angry at me because I can’t be the girl that those things didn’t happen to. And it’s not okay.

    We were friends. Yes. We hooked up a few times, but darling there were real feelings, I know. There still is.

    But you’re angry with me and attacking me for the things I’ve done before you or even since. It’s not your right to be. I’m in the process of changing my extra curricular activities. I’m in the process of working towards a life without drug dependency.

    But darling you either get on this train and accept it for what it is, or otherwise get out of my way. I can’t recover like this.

    I miss you. I miss you already. I’m sorry it hurts. It hurts me too. I can’t be what you wanted me to be and I’m not going to pretend I can. I wont compromise my recovery for you. I wont say those things that happened didn’t happen for you. I’m not going to pretend I’m okay.

    If you’re my last real chance at love, so be it. A different time and a different place I’d be believing we’d have been made for each other. But that’s not where this is at. So it’s just a fantasy.

    I’m overreacting I’m sure. I have overreacted. That’s where this is at. I don’t want to be harmless anymore. I don’t want to be pushed around. I don’t want to compromise. Sometimes you do these things, that pale in comparison to things he did or said, and still, I feel as if I am reliving that trauma.

    I can’t get the balance right. I’ve been underreacting so long now. My underreactions to him and him got me into this mess. I know. You might be nowhere near as bad as them, but I can’t tell. I don’t know. I wont do it ____. I wont be that chill girl who lets men make her life a living hell while she nods and smiles like she enjoys it.

    I can’t change it. In the meantime, you’re making it worse when you stick around, yet can’t accept me for who I am. Much much worse. Our recent catch up derailed my sobriety. That is, when you kept telling me I wasn’t sober when I was. Why do that? What’s it to you? That kind of attack and it’s as if I’m reliving what happened with him with you. No. I wont do it.

    I was sober by the way. And yes, maybe I’d have fallen over anyway. Saying that, I’d have preferred to fall over all on my own as opposed to being subjected to feeling that my efforts to be sober are all useless when you tell me I’m not anyway.

    I know I’ve been cruel to you. But I wont put you above me. I wont care for you more than I care about me. I’ll never love you more than I love myself. I know what happens when I put everyone else first. Wont do it again.

    So…if you wanna come and live in reality with me. You know that reality that’s differentiated from fantasy? That kind? Where we both accept we have a shit done of baggage we each have to deal with and just support each other as best we can without judgement then do it.

    But for gods sake’s ___________ if you return this time you’ll give me the real shot I NEARLY gae you and acceot we are complex creatures. Okay?

    Otheewise I think you’re missing out, that we both are. Its a cost I’m willing to beae. ????

    One Response to Dude

    1. Natashan
      February 25, 2018 at 2:58 am

      Good luck with your sobriety, and don’t ever put anyone before you or ur sobriety, especially a guy. I struggle with addiction todayt Anyways good luck n God bless you. Natasha

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