• my breakup with the blue eyed boy

    by  • January 9, 2018 • The Ex • 2 Comments

    Almost 2 years was enough to call it quits for you, I wasn’t enough. I’m not sorry though.

    I should have seen it coming and I sure as hell felt it coming.

    December 10th 2017 was the day you broke up with me. In my car, we were fighting because you flaked on our plans the whole entire week. Actually It had been going on for months.

    I was angry and confused and we fought over text that day, You came over and we talked. It was a long talk and I begged for you to stay because I couldn’t take the thought of you being gone. I didn’t want the boy I loved leaving. The blue eyes I fell in love with. Your hands which held mine in perfect synchronicity. The boy I loved didn’t love me.You told me you didn’t love me that night and my world came crashing down. A few weeks prior you told me you loved me with all of your heart despite us fighting. You told me you would die for me. December 9th was the night you made your decision. You told me I was close minded to think you could date for awhile after me. That left me with some sort of closure, but no amount of begging could keep you around. You were tired of me. You sucked out every bit of what happiness I had left that night and stepped all over it. I begged and you got out of my car. you said ” I can’t see you like this, I have to go” you hopped out of the passenger and ran to your car. I chased after you but it all happened so quick. You drove off and I sat in the middle of my street and I cried. I couldn’t make you love me. what the fuckkk.


    Leading up.

    The rest of the following months was the way you decided to treat me. Remember when you went out drinking and blocked me from seeing your story because you were with a bunch of girls partying? Oh yeah, also flirting with your co-workers in front of me? Calling other girls beautiful? when not once did I ever hear you call me good names. Instead I got called “crazy” just because I wanted to hear from you at least once a day. You called me a bitch when you didn’t get your way. You went days without texting me and calling me. You were fine with it and it killed me to think you didn’t care. I fought because you emotionally abandoned me. I asked to see you and you were busy with friends. I just wanted a relationship and it felt like you wanted nothing.

    Honeymoon phase.

    The dates in the beginning of our relationship were great. you were great and you became my best friend and lover. You loved my art and listened and cared and were there. I shared my music and you fell in love. I fell in love with your passion for playing guitar, and we were good. You started to become a whole other person once I started to get to know you. I could tell you were unhappy with your current living situation.Your family and I tried to help. You pushed me away, and didn’t want my help, and I guess I should’ve kept my distance but my heart cared so much for you. I wanted to be there. I bought you gifts. You took them. But you never remembered. You just wanted to be left alone and it was hard. A relationship took 2 and there was only 1.

    Oh no, not again

    You lied to me after 7 months. I had heard from a friend there was a rumors that you didn’t feel the passion in the relationship and I asked you if that was true and you told me yes but you still loved me. We stayed together and I could notice you distancing. You pushed me to the side. Lately I was becoming the person you hung out with if your friends couldn’t. I would ask you to hang out and you said “maybe” and I would get sad we would argue but it was constant. I still held on to those happy moments that I sometimes got. The I love yous and the I miss yous. I only got those when you needed something. I was a materialistic girlfriend. I bought you things and spoiled you. I got nothing in return, I didn’t expect anything. But on Valentines day, you told me you had to work and flaked on our plans. Thanks. thanks for making me feel special.

    To be honest. We shared the same clothes, music, food interests. Our favorite thing
    to do together was go thrift shopping. Go out to mexican food, and go see cheap concerts. It was a good time. Now. Living in a small city sucks. Seeing people you know is very common and there were only very few places where we went. 4 places. Our favorites. Now. I haven’t been to any of them in a month. Since you left. Sadly. I’m letting the fear of seeing you get in the way. I don’t want to run into you. You blocked me on everything and the last thing you want to do is see me. I know you everything you’re doing is just a big laugh in my face. I don’t know why. I won’t know. I treated you so good. You seem to hate my guts. I want a damn burrito, and I can’t go to the place without fear of seeing you. It sucks.

    Newfound love

    It’s been almost a month and you already have a new girlfriend. Yep. You even had the audacity to post a picture with her. Tell her that she’s perfect. I never fucking got that. I wanted that. I was here all along and I wasn’t good enough. It was his co-worker that I was friends with! Amazing. Great. Fantastic. They even slept together.


    You told me I was close minded.

    you told me no man will ever love me because I had anxiety so bad that I would shake and worry.

    You told me I was dumb.

    I opened up to you and you told me to get over it.

    My depression was taking over me and I needed you. You told me to “Cry about it”

    Several times. The way you treated me was like you hated my guts when all I did was try to love you the best way I could, even with my anxiety and depression.

    Toxic Love.

    I loved a boy who couldn’t love. You doesn’t know the concept of sacrifice. the concept of deep emotional love. the concept of what being in love was. you knew how to take and destroy me. you knew how to bring me down, and cause me pain. you called that love.

    I hope your new found girlfriend doesn’t get the same shit. she’s getting way better now.

    You’re all probably thinking why I stayed with him? It was the little things he gave me. The comments he would SOMETIMES give me. the “I love you”
    but it wasn’t meaningful anymore. It turned into “love u 2″…..but I was thankful I had him. If I had anything. I was scared of being alone. I was in love. I blamed myself for the way he treated me. I apologized for everything. I had anxiety. depression. Insecurities. I thought that he was the best I could have. In the end I know my worth.

    I need to learn to love myself. Until Now all I can do is heal.

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    2 Responses to my breakup with the blue eyed boy

    1. PeterC
      January 11, 2018 at 10:56 pm

      Your story is moving. For me, it is filled with pain, regret, and sadness. A realization too late, or perhaps a realization much earlier but a pushing away of its awareness until the end. While there is a lot of detail and color, perhaps the end is the most important of all. Perhaps the end of this story is the beginning of yours. You say I need to learn to love myself. Of all the things you say, this lands as most heartfelt and heartpained.

      Loving yourself is really hard. Often it seems there is a thicket of brusque, angry, and hurt feelings that have overgrown our heart. Often, before we can get to more self love we need to move through less self hate first. Why are we so often our worst critics? What is it that sets us like a rabid dog on all that we do, think and feel? Why do we behave with ourselves in a way that would dismay and horrify us if we did it to someone else?

      My sense is – healing begins when we permit ourselves to become accurate. More accurate in our assessment of ourselves and all our failings and wrongs. “I am the worst person on the world. I suck. There is nothing good, nothing wholesome about me. I am less than shit.” These are strange words and yet, they are not so different from what untold millions of people will tell themselves, earnestly. The problem is – it is not accurate. And when you stray too far from accuracy – you lose all benefit of self-examination. If you say instead, “I have done some things I am less than proud of. I DO have good side, AND I have things I know I want to change. I respect and value some things about me, AND I know there are some I will need to change.” Then because these are more accurate, growth can start. Self-hate grows only in the darkness of distortion. So if you cannot find self-compassion yet, find self-honesty. All will grow from there there. You will grow from self-hate to self-assessment and self-knowledge. And from there will emerge self-compassion, like a rose in the desert, for how could it not?



    2. Seriously
      January 15, 2018 at 3:25 am

      Don’t feel bad about loving someone like this and continuously hoping for the best to come back. I MARRIED someone like this and spent over 20 YEARS being treated like an accessory. Your story could be mine if you times it by 100!! So many people don’t understand why I stayed OR why the idiot did what he did. You did well. You got out. You aren’t compounding the situation. Good luck. Stay smart!!



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