I feel it. You’re trying to take out the hooks, you’re moving towards the door in every room we’ve ever been in. You’re washing the smell of smoke off your clothes and you wiped your blood off my forehead before saying you’d see me soon. I’ve been awaiting you long enough to know you’re not here like you were.
I can’t say I blame you. This is a danger. This has nothing to do with you and me. This has to do with the threat of so much. And what good could come from a fire that you’re only going to get caught standing in? Are the burns, the scars they’re already leaving, really worth it?
The washer stopped churning and the smell of you has left my clothes. I keep making excuses for your absence. I say that you’ll be back all the time. But you just don’t come. I say it so I keep my sanity. But my layer of protection is wearing thin. I can’t keep masking the truth for much longer.
I miss your laughter. I miss forgetting everything as I outstretched my arms and felt everything. Laying back on your attic floor, the lights strung creating a halo like essence around your perfect head. Words of yours echoing through me more than any smoke. You becoming, you became, the floor underneath my feet. Your warnings not to fall through the floor. But I did. I fell right through you, right into you. And you can’t afford any more breaking, can you?
I came here unexpectedly. All of this was by chance encounters that I believe to be fate. Destiny you’d call it. But you’re not sure you believe in that. I’m not either. But experiencing you has made me question my beliefs. You were given to me by some power unbeknownst to us. Is that what it’s going to do to me now, take you from me? Did I fly too close to the sun?
Did I say your name with too much force, did I quiver under your touch just a little too much for you to handle? You didn’t travel to the state of the hurricanes, it came to your door. It closed in on your heart and found itself in your bed. Too close for you to defend yourself. The repercussions can’t be cleaned up easily.
I don’t know how much longer I can give it before everything in me caves in. I hope just as it happens you catch me. That all this falling is nothing but nothing. And you come back through the door laughing about something you’ve seen. Just to take me by the hand and insist on opening the car door. Smoke from your mouth into mine, not a trace of this pain left on me. Even the idea of it a thought of a madman. Is this my wishful thinking coming through? Because in my mind I’m with you.
But here, I’m without you. In this stretch of time, of reality, you’re not here. You know that however you go about it you’ve done damage that’s going to continue. We’ve both been the cause. And we have to feel it. Pick your poison. Pick the way it hurts. All around, inside out. It’s here. Matter cannot be created or destroyed, but we created something that feels as though it always was. And no matter what we do, it can’t be put down. You can’t tuck it away and pretend it doesn’t exist. It’s big and loud and has demanded our full attention. Wrecked any and all passerby, ripped the wallpaper down and gagged us before it. Here we are. Here it is.
I make stories up as to why you’re gone to him. He doesn’t know. His unknowing mind, not up to date with it, comforts me. Because to him you’ll be back. To him you aren’t doing anything out of the ordinary. The thought helps me stay here. But I feel myself drifting out again. My body is realizing that something is off. I’m uneasy.
I’ve gone down so many times before I can’t bring myself to be afraid of it. It happens. Things leave me, tear my heart out and chew it up, kiss my face before using all of their strength to hit me. Flashes of everything are on a constant replay in my head. I see you. I see us. I remember that first time, you asking a stranger when the last time their breath was taken away was. I knew when for me. It was happening right then and there, the air stolen from my lungs at your overpowering beauty, your overwhelming need to reach out to humans. Reached into me and broke the glass for the alarms. A fire started that I haven’t been able to put out.
I talk to you, and in those one sided conversations I’m apologizing. I’m sorry for being what I am, I’m sorry for holding onto you the way I have. You are the moment for me. And to lose that, to even have the prospect of having that around always, I didn’t know how to handle it. Like a first time heroin user, new to the game. I know nothing. I know now, I’d be different. I hope you get to see that. You’ve taught me better than that. You are my entrance in, and I’ve learned. I’ve learned from the best.
If you’re going to do something you do it loud. Unapologetically. In the face of it. Because what happens in plain sight, isn’t happening at all. Your hands on me with him in the same room. Dancing with me right there. Kissing me right there. Bold moves that you did while thinking, without thinking. In the moment the danger is nothing but a fleeting afterthought. It’s easy in the present. But the effects come after. After the lights die down. When all the quiet comes and you have no where to go but the wrong that has become sirens telling you to run.
I don’t want to run from you. I don’t want you to run from me. Don’t listen to the voices, please.
You say that I’ll see you. But are you just saying that to buy time? To reset the ticking time bomb for just a little longer. You know all about explosives. The love of your life. Have you set this to blow up just as you’ve gotten as far from it as possible? That’s okay with me. But will the end result be beautiful? Will the sound the explosion creates satisfy you? Will you cheer someplace, hands raised to the sky to feel every last drop of the art you made? Will it be everything you hoped for? I’d like to burn willingly for you, just tell me it’s what you’re doing.
To die at your hands, at your wish, what better way. When I’ve been wanting to go for so long now. You the presence that’s been holding me here. Set me off if it’s what you must do.
In our time of falling you never left your place of opening my mind. Teaching me, showing me. You had me in every position and talked about each one. In a way that didn’t scare me. Something so vulnerable, so raw. And you made it all feel like it was where I’m meant to be.
You were there for whatever I could give you, and have stayed for everything I couldn’t. Are you slowly checking out in the wake of me giving too much?