Hope you had a nice New Years. The OCD in me tends to believe that 2018 (an even year) will be better than 2017, and I hope that bears true for the both of us.
Without a doubt, 2017 was the hardest year of my life, if not the worst, and I am quite confident I cant do another year like that. It wasnt just the caring for my mom and struggling through a job I don’t like, or the financial difficulties I faced, thats just life I guess. It was going through it all alone that was so hard.
For years, I have tried everything I could think of to tell you and show you that I want and need you to be a part of my life. It wasnt until the later parts of 2017 that I finally started to develop the beginnings of any kind of peace about you, when I realized that there is nothing I can say or do to make you want to be with me. Thats always been the hardest thing for me to accept, in any circumstance, that I am powerless to affect the change in my life I desire. But it’s the truth, and once I started to accept you just have some switch flipped to ‘off’ when it comes to me, it made me start to feel better about myself. I no longer had to manufacture some perceived inadequacy in myself that made me not good enough for you.
I am good enough for you. And I still love you.
But if after all this, sticking with you unrequitedly for all these years, if you don’t even want to be social media acquaintances, much less real-life lovers and partners, then it is clear to me that there will never be any persuading you otherwise.
So, for me, 2018 will be the year I become happy again, with or without you, and manage to sustain it. And for you, my dear, 2018 will hopefully be the year you finally decide to be with me, before its too late.