Dear Mr. P,
(This is probably the last time ever I’m going to say this, so might as well)
I know this is out of the blue, but before this year ends, before I take up resolutions with the hopes of a better future, I must put the past behind me.
I know, one would think that I would want to say angry remarks and wish evil things upon you..
..but, truth be told- I just want to thank you. Seems silly, ne? As weird and conceited as it sounds, I feel like I owe this to you, so here it is:
I thank you for showing me the difference between a reality. I thank you for making me realize trust, and the importance of it, and how rarely it should be given out. I thank you for making me realize something that my mother quoted first when I was but a baby- “The world isn’t in shades of black and white. It is in those of grey”. I thank you for teaching me the art of forgiving, forgetting, and letting go.
It’s hard for me, truly, to wish you happiness. To wish that you don’t have to go through, don’t have to get back what you threw at me. To wish that you never be used, never be hurt. People say karma comes back at them, but if you were ever my friend – even for a second – I won’t ever wish such at you.
I’ll advise you this, though. Do not tamper with the heart of one so naive. You may not realise it, but you can cause damages that become very hard to repair.
It was my fault as well (gosh, I never believed I’d say this out loud). For clinging on to something long gone. For craving a friendship never made. For deluding myself to believe that you were someone special to me, and I at least a friend to you.
I hope you are happy with the girl I really hoped to get you together with. It broke me to know that the person I fancied had the likes for the only girl friend I had made at school at the time, but I didn’t want to cause you hurt because of my selfish reasons. I did my best to bridge the distance between you two and create the foundations of what you are now. You were my friend- at least I thought you were- and friends look out for each other, right? Or is that just another naive thought in this colourless world of grey. Ha, even the girl now acts totally ignorant of this, so do her friends.
Truth be told, I’m scared- Scared I’ll be hurt again. Scared someone like you would walk in my life, and then walk out the same way. But, I’ll be brave. I have to be. It is as they say “What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger”.. or something along those lines.
Tell me, was it really that easy for you? Was it really all a joke? Didn’t you get tired of it after two years? ..Perhaps you did. Which is why we are where we are now.
I’ll share a last naive thought with you- The unspoken tale between us, the one you and I knew, but choose to ignore– Was it just a fantasy my wild mind created? I don’t get it though- I wasn’t ever that girly to begin with. Your friend told me things I wanted to hear, and it made me believe that the feelings were mutual. Just let me know if that never was a reality to begin with.
I am going to be (or at least try to) be mature about this. You don’t have to respond, I know you won’t. Please, don’t create any unnecessary drama of this at our school either. Just acknowledge this message is all you need to do.
I’m letting go of the memories and of this friendship and of us. I’m letting go of you.
Your 3am friend.