I have tried to fight this, whatever it is. I have tried to acknowledge it. I have tried to go with the flow and let whatever happens, happen. Nothing works; therefore, I choose to accept it for what it is. Whatever that may be.
The best gift I could give you is transparency. That would be ideal, and I am trying to find the courage. Please know that.
A year ago I was talking with you. I abruptly stopped, and said, “Nevermind. I shouldn’t be talking about this with you.” I felt that I was crossing a line that shouldn’t be crossed. Because of my feelings for you, things became increasingly more complicated. It wasn’t fair to put either of us in that situation.
Gradually over 2017, things became exponentially more difficult, as I struggled to sort my feelings. More than once these internal conflicts boiled over and seeped through the mask I wear. Each time your reaction was one of shock and fear and miscomfort. Please know I never wanted to make you in any way uncomfortable. I never intended for anyone to know about this battle I fight within, especially not you.
Every moment with you is significant. You make me nervous. I overanalize every word spoken and every gesture. I turn down every offer from you, because getting closer to you would make me fall harder which terrifies me. I relive our interactions in my mind every night, feeling the warmth of your body as you hug me, and the electricity shooting down my spine when you look at me that way. I crave this contact with you, even though i frightens me.
I don’t know if you are aware of the effects you have on me. Sometimes I think you do, and that you feel bad for it. I have thought it was malicious, intended for making me fall in order to bend me to your will. I have felt that it was unintentional before, an unfortunate side effect of being who you are: a man attracting women without meaning to, then feeling burdened with the responsibility of reciprocating because you feel bad for these poor women who are defenseless against your charms. I have thought of you as a player, a friend, family, a dream lover, an inspiration, a teacher, a jerk, gay…You name it. But no longer.
Why do I want to know how you feel? Why does it matter who we think the other is? Can’t we just be who we are fir each other with no labels? What’s so wrong with you being my dream lover? Whe can be just friends, right? In the waking world, we are one thing. In the dreamworld we can be anything.