There is so much I want to tell you, so much I need to express to you that I don’t even know where to begin.
When we first met I knew you were going to be a big trouble in my life. I remember how exasperating your attitude and your negativity was to me, I wanted to prove you that life could be better if you changed your way of seeing things, and after a while I think I did.
The first time you ever kissed me, I was absolutely sure that I was doomed. The physical chemistry we have and the way you touched me was something I will never ever find in anyone else, and the connection we made since the very first time we made love is something I will always look for in the future.
I agree that living together fucked us up. I know it’s true but I still don’t regret it because life with you and the time spent with you was worth it. I don’t regret anything I ever did with you. Getting to know how caring you could be and how caring I could be taught me a lot about myself.
I am sorry for everything that I did. I apologize for not trusting you, I apologize for not being the person you wanted me to be, for not being patient, for making you waste so much time and money, for not giving you what you needed. I feel like I failed you and I am sorry because you deserved more.
But feeling sorry for all my mistakes cannot change what you did to me. That night you told me that you didn’t want me and that you were not ready for a relationship with me broke me into a million pieces and the day after, when you left me was until this day, the worst day of my life. I don’t think you can blame me for wanting to leave, you fucking broke my heart and I don’t know how you could ever fix that.
I am sorry if I asked you for too much. And I am even sorrier because right after you realized I was going away from you, you felt scared and became the person that I knew you could be and that you noticed how it really was not too much. Being the partner I know you can be is not too hard but it was all a reaction to the fear you felt of being alone again and realizing that is even more heartbreaking for me because it was a lie, it was all a lie.
The minute you left me at the airport I could feel it was over. You pulled away from me and left, never looking back and I knew it was a goodbye. I wanted to try, I really did but it’s just something you don’t want.
You stopped talking to me as soon as I got back, you abandoned me when I needed you the most and you just kept doing it. You keep breaking me and that is not love. I don’t deserve this, especially when I know that you could make me happy if you just wanted to.
Actions speak louder than words, and your actions are screaming at me. You don’t love me, you just loved how I made you feel when we were together. You are a selfish person, you only care about what you want and what you have and I was part of your collection of nice things. I was never supposed to be with you, I was never worth it.
So I let you go. I break all the promises we made before I went away. I let go all the dreams I had of a life with you because none of it is true. I am too little for you and you deserve more.
Please know that I did love you and I did care about you. You were my number one, the person I always wanted on my team, the person I wanted to grow old with, but you let me down.
I wish you the best, all the best. I hope you find the love you want and I hope you are happy and find someone who fills all your needs, because I know you will find her. You deserve the best person for you, someone as smart, as bright, as beautiful and with a golden soul who can understand your passion for strange things, weird movies and science, someone who can share your life, someone who is next to you when you want her to be but never bothers you, someone who can make you happy like I thought I did.
I will always have you in my heart because my little heart is yours.