• It’s times like these

    by  • December 27, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    I said I wouldn’t post on here anymore.
    That I need to move on. Let go, so to speak.
    I want to, but a big part of me can’t.
    Sometimes I really, really miss you.
    I could speak to someone that might have elements of your personality, but they’re still not you!
    I don’t know why I feel like this.
    Well I do, but.
    I just miss you so much.
    There’s so much that I wish I could speak to you about.
    Sometimes, I think you might know that. I don’t think I necessarily need to delve too much into it.
    If ever I think I’ve seen you, sometimes I do literally look another way or pretend I haven’t noticed, because emotionally I don’t feel strong enough to deal with the potential of you not looking happy to have seen me or then avoiding that place because I might be there for example. I don’t want that.

    I want more than anything to see you, speak to you. That time when I saw you speaking to someone else that I know was difficult. That time when you saw me but pretended you didn’t. I don’t blame or hold any grudges by the way. I wasn’t alone at the time. I also cant and wont ever expect you to acknowledge me because, I haven’t always acknowledged you & I have been far from perfect.
    I just sometimes wish things could be a bit different. Despite this, realistically, if I saw you and we spoke, what exactly would I say to you? I don’t seem to have a clue where I’m going with my life at the moment. It’s making me feel a bit like nemo the fish I have to be honest.
    It’s not really much surprise that I’m not in a relationship. I think I’m ready to settle down and then realise I have no idea where I’m going so how can I? I have no solid pathway.
    There’s so many things that I don’t seem to be there on yet, I wonder if I ever will. It’s making me worry about the future that I need to have certain things ticked off and done if not, I might get left behind.
    I know it’s not a rush. Things can fizzle out in any relationship.
    I dunno.
    I don’t know where I’m going with this anymore.
    Currently, around me at the moment, I’ve heard some people’s insecurities. They are all articulated so well. I struggle to do that sometimes. some of them have partners and their own home. They are a couple of steps forward in their life than I am. I wonder will that be me? In a few years, when I have those things, will I be the same?
    It brings back the question of why are we always so hard on ourselves? Why do we put do much pressure on ourselves? Why do we strive for such perfection? I’ve caused myself 4 main periods of burnout/breakdown over the last 7 years some of which were not self-inflicted but even so. During this time, I most likely could have done more to take care of myself, but instead I piled more pressure on myself to stop moping around and start moving striving for those “things” that other people have?
    I’m starting to question though whether they’ll even make me happy because, it’s the people that you surround yourself with that bring out good times, it’s also engrained within ourselves. If in a well mind set, we can choose to be happy. We can choose to sit back and take some pressure off of ourselves. We can look at the bigger picture rather than continuously scanning smaller points unsure of how they fit together.

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