• Uncomfortable Justification

    by  • December 22, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Hope • 0 Comments

    So there is something that I have had on my mind for a while now and I knew that there was no way to correctly express the entire thing partially because for so long I didn’t understand it and secondly because a part of me never wanted to understand it. I now realize that I have to release it because it physically hurts me to hold it inside. Although it will remain this uncomfortable ability, I have now accepted it for what it is and I will no longer try to shut it out.

    Firstly I want to apologize to you for probably either scaring the shit out of you or freaking you out with everything I told you. At that time I was not privy to any knowledge or fact but I was experiencing all the emotion and feeling tied to the event occurring. I knew it was related to you but not exactly sure on what level it would affect you. I knew all the things happening to me were happening for a reason but since I refused for so many years to open myself to the fact I had no understanding of what to do with what was happening. I knew the right thing to do was to tell you but I also knew that there was no possible way to tell a person that kind of stuff and expect them to not call me crazy and laugh. I am pretty sure you did both. I didn’t care because I knew that eventually you would see too and that maybe just maybe you might say “OMG it makes sense now.”

    Secondly I want to say that although I am now positive that that one dream I had was about you I am aware you at the time were probably thinking I was projecting and it was really about me. It was not. It in fact was about you. I saw you. I felt you. It was real. I did wake up broken by your distress. At the time what confused me was the fact that I didn’t know what he looked like. Does he look like you? Does he look totally different? In my dream the guy sitting there was you but because I never knew him I doubted myself because I thought maybe it was him and my emotion was tied to you. Again I already have admitted that I always tried to shut out feelings and it made me uncomfortable to be in this predicament several times in my life. It was easier to not understand and not let it affect me.

    I could not do that when it involved you. I had to decide quick what to do. I didn’t have time to learn up on how to understand. I gave to you every bit of knowledge I possibly could. I am sorry it was not clearer at the time. The sadness and anger I felt by not being able to do anything with it deeply hurt me. It angered me to the point of not allowing myself the desire to acknowledge anything and for a very long time I did completely give up.

    One day I was sitting beside my mom and talking and something got brought up and it made me think of you. So I decided to look you up to check on you. I was greeted by the truths of my admissions to you. I am pretty sure my mom understood because she knew everything that had taken place. Although the justification for my actions did reveal much later I somehow still was uncomfortable. This made me decide that closing myself down because of not being accepted or understood was something that I was just not willing to do.

    Since that time many things have in fact occurred. I am not 100% there yet. Part of me likes being like everybody else. The bigger part of me knows that I am special and whatever this is that I possess is a gift in itself.

    I will always wish that I took the time to figure it out back then. I always think that I might have been able to shut your problems down in some way. Instead I promised myself to never give up on you and always send positive energy to you. After everything you have been forced to experience I feel that is best. So although you are not safe in the bubble I so wanted to place you inside of to protect you from the world, I accept it for what it is. I appreciate the connection and understand its depth.

    For so many years I always giggled and was a smartass about people like that. Mostly because anyone I ever met was so extreme with over the top behavior. It never occurred to me that there are people with ability that don’t act that way. I don’t fully believe a lot of the things presented. I am a skeptic. However I cant explain myself and that has to mean something. Maybe I refuse to title myself for reason. I will tell you this. Recently a certain person or two was sent to jail for a crime involving someone here. There was a lady that knew facts and she did exactly what I did. She was laughed at and taunted by the police and basically just not listened to. Many years later the crime was solved. That lady was RIGHT. The things she said were never acknowledged and should have been.

    Today I watched something on the internet that she posted and it was pretty lengthy. I have to admit that the lady is out there. But what I found even crazier was the emotion that was forced from her. It physically hurt her to have it all within and the more the truth was revealed the angrier she became. She knew. She felt it. That is the best way to describe us and what happened.

    As I watched I wondered if all justifications feel this way? It is quite understandable to me now how a gift so special can feel like a curse. It is all about perspective. Well that is what I will just have to continue to remind myself.


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