• She’s using Tinder.

    by  • December 22, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 39 Comments

    I know that I haven’t been all that clear about the state of my marriage in these letters. Other than a note here and there about the consideration I’ve been putting into leaving it. It’s been purposeful for several reasons, not least of which is the idea that my usage of this space carries the intent of satisfying a need to be *emotionally* honest, rather than historically archival. After all, my hang up over it isn’t about leaving the relationship per se … it’s about abandoning the safety it creates for me. I’d also hate for you to believe that whatever disharmony in my home had anything to do with you, or us, or this space … or that my transparency on this subject stems from a premature assumption about our bizarre relationship (as in the one between you and I). This is what it is for now. It can become whatever you want or nothing at all. I do, however, want to tell you about this, so I’ll just identify the purpose herein to be one of confidence—in friendship, in love, in the spirit of sharing myself with you.

    Last year we agreed to open up our relationship. I haven’t said anything about this because I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea about why I would communicate that to you. It was silly to think that it might change anything outside of this house. I agreed to it because I wanted to be fair. I had originally agreed to monogamy years ago for the same reason but after some time it wasn’t making us happy. So, about a year ago, we landed somewhere new.

    She has acted on this arrangement a bit and I’m okay with that. For awhile I still thought I’d leave because our relationship was becoming unworkable in ways that have nothing to do with sex or romantic feelings. Fights were happening and I’d grown exhausted. So in July I was ready to leave in all ways save for one. I waited it out for that one thing to no longer be a concern and when it finally wasn’t, something had shifted. The angry sea of disharmony calmed itself and we found friendship again. (I know that this is horribly unspecific but it’s the best I can do on this forum.) And now, things work. The house functions. Administratively things are good and I think that that’s important in a primary relationship. So many partnerships dissolve because despite the fact that the romance is intact nothing else is.

    Between us, it’s still just friendship. The love is there, but it isn’t romantic, and I have been debating how important having that really is to me. And because opening up this relationship is something we landed at nearly haphazardly for the sake of fairness before the rest of our problems tore us asunder this past summer, I wasn’t sure how fair game that agreement in our relationship really was anymore. I could have asked her about this at any time but, honestly, why would I? I have no desire to seek out another relationship from ground zero, and from within the Pandora’s box of other stressors it was the last thing on my mind. I’m still not even sure that this relationship is workable in the long term anyway. But we are still together. This is our reality… and now she is looking for something new. Like, *looking* for it through forums, apps and whatever. Through this action of hers, a constraint has been removed. It’s just one constraint which, in the larger context of all of this, could be much smaller than I think it is right now. But I still believe that I should tell you that I am … available. To you. Only you.

    I am 95% sure that this doesn’t really change anything. Not overnight anyway. Because it doesn’t stop me from considering leaving still. Yet the stability is hard to imagine letting go. Still. And I’ve had so little time to think about any of it lately that its sudden magnification overwhelms me a bit. I just wish that I could talk to you. Really talk. Not here, not deceptively out there under a guise of intriguing love gestures and quiet eye meetings that are cut short to spare the sting of something unrealized. And I’m not really trying to passively indicate what I want by claiming that this is something other than me throwing a line. This is still a confidence but I’d be lying if I claimed that that isn’t what I am doing by putting this entire admission right here, where I know you will read it. There is no consequence if you do not come forth to meet it now or ever. But it is there and your name is all over it. It is only for you. It is there for your consideration. Even if it takes a very long time for you to give it that much.

    I’m so happy to have you in all of the ways I already do. Here. There. I’ve never felt more thankful or uplifted or inspired or joyous or just wonderful to have met another person. You already have me. I don’t need you to overthink this. I don’t need you to try to make it work if it just doesn’t feel right or like this is not the right time. I just really wanted you to know and hope that one day you’ll want to know more.

    I love you.

    39 Responses to She’s using Tinder.

    1. Redstringoffate
      December 22, 2017 at 6:13 pm

      Do you assume that would be fair to the other woman? It’s a serious question. Should she feel honored that you’re only available to her? I sure as fuck wouldn’t. Not every woman loves being choice number two and this letter is just screaming messiness.

    2. God
      December 23, 2017 at 4:41 am

      Oh wow! How lucky for this woman to have you want to fuck her in private! Let me guess, she still wouldn’t really be allowed in your life. I mean, she couldn’t meet your kids because that would just confuse them, not because your wife might get word. She couldn’t meet your family because you have to keep up the guise that your marraige is still intact. People like you make me fucking sick. I hope this poor woman agrees to fuck you in your wifes bed, handcuffs you to that bed, shoves a dildo up your ass and leaves it there with a print out of what you wrote here stapled to it.
      And to the poor woman or girl most likely if this asshole thinks you will buy that, why wouldn’t he leave your name here? Or his for that matter? He can’t leave the security of his wife and friend who he wouldn’t want to hurt. Why would any man leave that situation if it were true? Isn’t it nice that he put a dick in a box just for you for Christmas! And how sweet that his dick is just especially for you and only you! I am guessing a set of balls isn’t on the menu.

      This literally made me have to poop.

      • Redstringoffate
        December 27, 2017 at 6:55 pm

        Fucking thumbs up mate!!

    3. November
      December 23, 2017 at 6:40 am

      I think it’s kind of sad, that you come on here and write secret love letters, to someone who is not your wife. Atleast tell her, your wife, your thoughts and what you do or want to do behind her back, so she can have a choice to end her marriage. Your wife is your first priority maybe she is just as unhappy to you, and you need to give her the truth, so she can choose if she want to level up with someone who values her and all she has to offer. Do your really want to be with the other female? If she is even flirting or considering being with you, regardless if you tell her your unhappy in your marriage, that says a lot about her character, and in the long run, your not going to be happy in that relationship,
      When you realize she didn’t respect you, by not respecting that you are already
      In a relationship. No virtuous, pure hearted woman would put herself in this position.
      Now a selfish, power hungry, money hungry person would, and they would
      Move on to the next, and repeat.

      If you put half as much effort in your marriage, and your wife as well, you guys could be the ultimate power team. The stuff that dreams are made of. Show people that yeah we have struggles, but look how we handle them and
      Come out on top. Be looked up upon, not looked down upon. Instead
      Of the trying to find the right person, Be the right person. The other woman or any other woman, are not mrs. right. You will have problems there as well, most often worse.
      You already have the right woman, your wife. You both just need to remember who you were before life happened, and work on being who you both were when you met. That spark you first had with your wife
      Is
      Still there.
      It just has to be relit! And what an explosion it will be! ????????

    4. C
      December 24, 2017 at 10:57 pm

      I read this twice because I get it. A marriage with a practically platonic spouse is hard. Especially when you have felt the fire somewhere else. It’s a balancing act I wouldn’t wish on anyone. I hope the stars align for you and the one you love. I dream of running away with my “someone” no matter how unreal the possibility may be. Even now I’m clinging to the chance that he might be the author. Thanks for sharing.

      -C

    5. I'm about to use Tinder
      December 25, 2017 at 2:28 pm

      Of course you’re happy to have me in all the ways you do.
      Just so long as I don’t want more.
      Because you have the more with her.

      Why would you ever make a decision to change any of this?

      I don’t want to share you anymore. I want a monogamous relationship with you.

      Will you give me that?
      Will you take action to make it so?
      Will you express anything to anyone about what YOU want and need?

      Enough is enough.
      Thank you.
      I love you.

      I’m not about to use Tinder.

      • Truth
        December 27, 2017 at 7:49 am

        You are not sharing him. He’s not even yours.

        • Sharing
          December 27, 2017 at 11:10 am

          Of course he is.

          • Steven S.
            December 30, 2017 at 8:57 am

            1)If he was yours, he would not already be in a relationship with someone else ehem’ his wife. 2)Also, you would not be a secret. 3) He is still making love to his wife. 4) your not the only one he is pursuing there are a string of others. 5) if you were that special he would already be divorced and be married to you or having you prance on his arm not keeping
            You and the others hidden. 6) if he had any respect for you and the others , he would not entertain these ideas unless he was a free man. 7) they never leave the wife 8) there is no trust to start a relationship, well because he is already cheating and lying. 9) if he loved you he would not be putting you and the other string of women in this position. 10) if any one is sharing him it’s his main woman his wife 11) you are not a conquest, easy women equals easy lay. Shall I go on? He loves his wife, they are having a disconnect, which happens within all relationships. I would love to have his wife’s name and number, I’ll wine her and dine her and make love to her, let her know what it feels like to be with a real man. I’m a loyal man and she sounds like such an unattainable loyal lady. You and the other easy targets are undesirable. Hey Author, hook me up with your wife after you divorce her. Oh yeah that’s right, you won’t. What a pity. Oh well, a man can dream ????????????

            • Psst. You’re responding to another stranger.
              December 30, 2017 at 1:05 pm

              Did you skip the article and go straight to the comments? My wife is on Tinder. You can find her there.

      • Author
        December 27, 2017 at 12:17 pm

        Looks. Sounds. But is it?

        I’m sorry. This was the wrong way to go about it. Everyone is correct to suggest that it doesn’t matter what she’s doing. Can we please talk outside of this place?

        Love,
        An ass

        • Never
          December 29, 2017 at 11:16 am

          Fuck off. How bout dat.

        • Stop sharing
          December 29, 2017 at 12:20 pm

          Of course we can. But you won’t soooooo.
          See you later. *Irregardless*

        • Steven S.
          December 30, 2017 at 9:04 am

          If that’s how she looks and sounds, it doesn’t leave much to the imagination. Lmao. You need to set higher standards. Oh wait, like attracts like, so you both have an extremely low I.Q. Makes sense now. Hahaha

    6. shhh
      December 27, 2017 at 12:47 pm

      From a wife’s perspective, she is probably on Tinder because she feels a disconnect with you. Women stray when the man doesn’t make her feel like the most precious thing in his life. Yes, she probably doesn’t make you feel like she used to either. But you two need to talk seriously about this. Why do you stray? Would you be happier apart? If there are kids involved, which life would be better for them? Are you willing to make it work? You need this conversation.

    7. Ridiculous
      December 27, 2017 at 1:40 pm

      I agree with all of these responses.
      I’d add….
      Don’t be a dick. It’s not written as sweet as you think. I for one am tired of being number two. And this letter does scream that and it makes me feel like shit. Why am I suffering the consequences alone? I’d rather rejoice in the consequences together. Seems like youre 95 percent sure that ain’t about to happen. Christ- make up your damn mind Author.

      • Author
        December 29, 2017 at 12:41 pm

        If you are serious about this then we need to get real with each other off of this website. I get that you’d rather we not admit any of this until after I am free and clear but I also need you to understand that you are the only person I have to talk to and continuing to do that here is creating a problem that doesn’t need to exist. That wrong idea that I wanted to avoid by keeping this to myself last year appears to have happened anyway. Fine. Whatever. I’m a jerk and we both know that I can do better. I wanted to talk. That’s it. I’m sorry that I didn’t just say that. I’m sorry that everything with us needs to be a wish or a yearning or an inner desire or some other sweet nothing whispering of a euphemism for my lack of confidence in all of this. I am sure about you. I am not sure about this place.

        Do you want to hear something really stupid? The way I feel about you scares me. You are the only person I’ve met in the past 19 years who makes me feel like I am not in control of what I feel. And the fact that that idea is entangled among all the other reasons I want to be with you demolishes my sense of pragmatism in all of this. I’d wish that I could take all of these words back if I didn’t also feel that I deserved to have them hanging out in the public realm to demonstrate just how much of an asshole I can really be.

        I know that you don’t want me to leave her *for* you and suspect that you believe that if we don’t say anything to each other about any of this before I move on then that won’t be what happened. But there is no other way for me to feel okay about expediting this decision. I need to actually talk to you. To be assured that I am not following my insane ideas into the same confined space of delusional inertia that is so popular around here. I know that you have put yourself out, probably further than you are comfortable with, to identify yourself to me. I know that this is you. But I need to become privy to this through my actual senses. Can you give that to me that?

        Fucking please!

        • Ridiculous
          December 30, 2017 at 5:52 pm

          What an I supposed to do with this? Tell me what Im supposed to do with any of this! Speak up! Or keep walking out at 4am.

          • Author
            January 2, 2018 at 7:22 pm

            Well, that’s great. Now I’m confused. Either there are too many competing voices in this letter or you and I have been sorely mistaken for a very long time now. Or you aren’t the same Ridiculous I’ve responded to before. Man, fuck this place. Do you care enough to help me unravel some of this?

            -A (is not just for Author)

        • cbs
          January 1, 2018 at 4:44 pm

          There. My initials.
          Either we have the same story or we’re part of the same.
          Speak up or don’t. I’ll live as if you don’t until you do. But with admissions living in the background. Sooooo….

          • Author
            January 2, 2018 at 6:46 pm

            Thank you. We have the same story. I hope that you aren’t disappointed … at least this hurtful drivel wasn’t intended for you, right? Would you mind helping me unravel which of the rest of these responses are yours? I will do the same with past letters, etc, if you are also curious.

            Thank you and I’m sorry.

            • Cbs
              January 4, 2018 at 4:57 am

              -I’m about to use tinder.
              -Sharing
              -Stop Sharing
              -Ridiculous
              -Cbs

            • Cbs
              January 4, 2018 at 6:38 am

              November 14, 2016
              Did you write Primordial Things?

          • Author
            January 4, 2018 at 4:51 pm

            Yes, I wrote Primordial Things. You’re Ridiculous and Please on there? Anyone else?

            Thanks.

            • Cbs
              January 5, 2018 at 11:34 pm

              How about ‘I’d like you to use your whole ass’?

            • Helping you because I’d want the same.
              January 7, 2018 at 2:41 pm

              Yup.

            • cbs
              January 8, 2018 at 5:13 pm

              Is this a coincidence?
              Is this us?

            • Cori
              January 9, 2018 at 11:29 am

              3 out of 3. I’ve read them over and over. I know it’s us. I know you.

          • Author
            January 4, 2018 at 5:24 pm

            I’ve authored several letters here. I kept doing this for a few reasons but one of them was because it seemed like another person on here was following my voice quite well. “Irregardless?” Did you once call yourself Iridescence? Care to identify any of your letters? It’ll make us both feel better to figure this out. I’ll understand if you’d rather not but I’ve been getting frustrated with this place and now I’m starting to see why.

            Again, thank you.

          • Which of my specifics do you believe are too coincidental?
            January 9, 2018 at 6:20 pm

            Why do you think that? I’m flattered that you’ve recognized my voice a few times but if your comments are honest then I am quite certain that you are not my intended recipient. I’ve gotten caught up in responses to my letters a few times with other people who have put themselves in your same position. And because my wishful thinking also gets the best of me, I respond right back with a mirrored degree of certainty. I’m sorry—I’ve known for awhile that the comments’ section on this website when used for this purpose is trouble. Please excuse my irresponsible enthusiasm.

            May I ask how long you’ve been following along? Are there any other letters on here you are wondering about? I recognized that Primordial Things accumulated an interloper but the names and the non-specific responses made it impossible to unravel. Ah, well, it doesn’t really matter. Those of us who have been here for awhile understand that there are several problematic things about trying to chase another person around this website. This is one of those things. But I am still curious about to what extent you and I have been interacting with each other on here.

            Take care,
            Author

      • Also,
        December 29, 2017 at 7:07 pm

        I hurt you. I’m crying. I’m sorry.

        • Ridiculous
          December 30, 2017 at 5:44 pm

          Yeah. Yeah you did.

    8. Angel
      December 30, 2017 at 6:52 pm

      I think I should tell his wife. then she will leave him. And divorce him.

      • Ridiculous
        January 2, 2018 at 6:20 pm

        Don’t do that. It would be mean.

    9. @ author
      January 3, 2018 at 8:06 pm

      Do understand this right?
      The author is communicating on here with a female with whom he has enjoyed a long ongoing *friendship* of 19 years, but the author is also talking on lins to his wife who is aware of her husbands *friendship* and who decided to reply to the letter the author penned for his female *friend*, informing her husband, who happens to also be the author, of her intention of using Tinder to seek out casual sexual encounters with total strangers?

      • I laugh the hardest
        January 4, 2018 at 2:36 pm

        Hmmm… would be funny if his secret lover is actually his wife lol

        “If you like Pina Coladas, and getting caught in the rain”

        Just like the song.

        Pretty sure his wife isn’t Using Tinder, just something he said to make the other girl feel bad for him so he can justify starting an affair by blaming his wife for him wanting to cheat. Sad really.

        Hey for all you know, I could be his wife, just gathering evidence for the divorce lawyer. “Wink,Wink.”

    10. What if ...
      January 8, 2018 at 7:00 am

      What if person the author wrote this letter to were really to read it?
      What is it the author wishes to tell the recipient?
      Is the author discussing such unspeakable heartbreak on here , a public platform, because that’s all that is to his writing: the unburdening of his heart, soul and mind, confessing to the pain caused by a lost love the author is mourning?
      Has the author attempted to resolve this issue with the actual person?
      Perhaps this would provide the author with the peace of mind he , or any soul, is deserving of?
      Very Best wishes to the author.

      • Thank you.
        January 8, 2018 at 8:04 pm

        Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

    11. Jay Cee
      January 11, 2018 at 5:28 am

      The truth shall set you free.

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