I know that I haven’t been all that clear about the state of my marriage in these letters. Other than a note here and there about the consideration I’ve been putting into leaving it. It’s been purposeful for several reasons, not least of which is the idea that my usage of this space carries the intent of satisfying a need to be *emotionally* honest, rather than historically archival. After all, my hang up over it isn’t about leaving the relationship per se … it’s about abandoning the safety it creates for me. I’d also hate for you to believe that whatever disharmony in my home had anything to do with you, or us, or this space … or that my transparency on this subject stems from a premature assumption about our bizarre relationship (as in the one between you and I). This is what it is for now. It can become whatever you want or nothing at all. I do, however, want to tell you about this, so I’ll just identify the purpose herein to be one of confidence—in friendship, in love, in the spirit of sharing myself with you.
Last year we agreed to open up our relationship. I haven’t said anything about this because I didn’t want you to get the wrong idea about why I would communicate that to you. It was silly to think that it might change anything outside of this house. I agreed to it because I wanted to be fair. I had originally agreed to monogamy years ago for the same reason but after some time it wasn’t making us happy. So, about a year ago, we landed somewhere new.
She has acted on this arrangement a bit and I’m okay with that. For awhile I still thought I’d leave because our relationship was becoming unworkable in ways that have nothing to do with sex or romantic feelings. Fights were happening and I’d grown exhausted. So in July I was ready to leave in all ways save for one. I waited it out for that one thing to no longer be a concern and when it finally wasn’t, something had shifted. The angry sea of disharmony calmed itself and we found friendship again. (I know that this is horribly unspecific but it’s the best I can do on this forum.) And now, things work. The house functions. Administratively things are good and I think that that’s important in a primary relationship. So many partnerships dissolve because despite the fact that the romance is intact nothing else is.
Between us, it’s still just friendship. The love is there, but it isn’t romantic, and I have been debating how important having that really is to me. And because opening up this relationship is something we landed at nearly haphazardly for the sake of fairness before the rest of our problems tore us asunder this past summer, I wasn’t sure how fair game that agreement in our relationship really was anymore. I could have asked her about this at any time but, honestly, why would I? I have no desire to seek out another relationship from ground zero, and from within the Pandora’s box of other stressors it was the last thing on my mind. I’m still not even sure that this relationship is workable in the long term anyway. But we are still together. This is our reality… and now she is looking for something new. Like, *looking* for it through forums, apps and whatever. Through this action of hers, a constraint has been removed. It’s just one constraint which, in the larger context of all of this, could be much smaller than I think it is right now. But I still believe that I should tell you that I am … available. To you. Only you.
I am 95% sure that this doesn’t really change anything. Not overnight anyway. Because it doesn’t stop me from considering leaving still. Yet the stability is hard to imagine letting go. Still. And I’ve had so little time to think about any of it lately that its sudden magnification overwhelms me a bit. I just wish that I could talk to you. Really talk. Not here, not deceptively out there under a guise of intriguing love gestures and quiet eye meetings that are cut short to spare the sting of something unrealized. And I’m not really trying to passively indicate what I want by claiming that this is something other than me throwing a line. This is still a confidence but I’d be lying if I claimed that that isn’t what I am doing by putting this entire admission right here, where I know you will read it. There is no consequence if you do not come forth to meet it now or ever. But it is there and your name is all over it. It is only for you. It is there for your consideration. Even if it takes a very long time for you to give it that much.
I’m so happy to have you in all of the ways I already do. Here. There. I’ve never felt more thankful or uplifted or inspired or joyous or just wonderful to have met another person. You already have me. I don’t need you to overthink this. I don’t need you to try to make it work if it just doesn’t feel right or like this is not the right time. I just really wanted you to know and hope that one day you’ll want to know more.
I love you.