• I’m Still Hurting From The Things You Did

    by  • December 22, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Abuse • 0 Comments

    Dear SimplySyra,
    I have to live with the memory of reading your email breaking off our friendship minutes after being raped by my now ex-boyfriend every day of my life. I still remember the words “you’ll be fine, you don’t need me, you have Keith.” I was left completely alone with no one but my rapist so I didn’t leave him, and was raped again.
    I am in pain everyday because of it and because of the way you put words in my mouth and twisted the situation.
    I never said all abusers deserved harsh punishment. I never said objectification didn’t matter. I never said I wanted you to give up a friend. And no, picking a side by recognizing that what was done to me was wrong and damaging does not mean you have to give up a friend. It just means you have to have empathy for another human being who was suffering.
    I also never said you yourself were abusive. I pointed out something you said could hurt victims of abuse which isn’t any different than you pointing out to me that something is sexist (never mind I never said the thing in question).
    I didn’t do anything wrong by admitting to liking something. It should have been safe for me as a girl to admit I was attracted to some actresses regardless of which characters they played in a movie.
    I did not deserve the things that were done to me but rather than recognize that and support me while I struggled you made excuses for the behavior. You even mirrored the behavior by yelling at me in public for liking Loki and putting words in my mouth.
    Instead of comforting me after being repeatedly attacked for liking something you took advantage of me being vulnerable by telling me I couldn’t like things unless I knew how they were problematic. The implication there being that I would be a bad person deserving of the pain I experienced if I liked anything ever without knowing everything wrong with it.
    As a result I was unable to have any kind of distraction from my pain. Liking something could mean I was deserving of what was done to me and I still struggle with enjoying things and feeling safe enough to enjoy things.
    I’m always waiting for people to turn on me for the things I watch, the things I read, or even the things I write.
    Everyone I know is always telling me how good I am, how sweet and caring and empathetic and deserving of love and respect I am. I have been told multiple times by multiple people that there needs to be more people like me in the world but I can never truly believe it because of the way you treated me. You only ever assumed the worst of me so now I can only assume the worst of myself.
    Sometimes since I read your email after Keith raped me I think I was raped as punishment for being sexual, or liking women, or not being good enough for you.
    I wonder all the time why you would tell me my being raped as a child would be seen as perpetuating harmful relationships. People have suggested that you thought I was involved in BDSM and that I was talking about rape play because I try not to judge those in that community but that makes no sense to me since I never said anything about wanting to be involved in such things. But I guess that’s just another example of how you were always making things up about me.
    I’m still waiting for a real apology I know I’ll never get.

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