not that you’d ever really read this. i’m not even sure if i want you to or not. much of this isn’t news to you anyhow, i just don’t know how to get this into your mind, get you to really understand me, not just whatever your preconception of my actions are.
we were tight and now we’ve frayed and now i wonder if we were really tight at all or if i was just fooled into thinking that way.
what the fuck happened?
why did you think your request was at all reasonable? hey, please make me, a white guy, feel better about not having to deal with the world the way a woman of color might. too much drama. the hell? i cannot, still cannot, find any reasonable explanation for what you asked. it’s not your desire for space that was ever the issue, it’s not even the tactlessness, it’s the core reasoning for the request. because my identity is inconvenient to you apparently. what?
the only reason i was told about the allegations of you harming people was because the person who told me was worried i was your next victim. and i wonder still if they were right. i wasn’t trying to punish you. i’m sorry my timing was terrible. if there was any better way to handle the bombshell it was not one i managed to identify at the time. i asked people for help, i looked back on past experience, i did what i thought was right.
was it the best way i could have handled it? most likely not. maybe i should have clued you in earlier that i would ask around. maybe i could have waited, though i don’t really know how long i could stand to do so. maybe i could have been even more discreet. i don’t know. i still don’t know what the optimal way of handling this would have been, if there was always going to be a problem, if the fact that i’m trying to handle this is a problem in and of its own.
i wasn’t trying to force you to talk to me. i was just going to let you absorb what i told you and give you time to think over it. you’re the one that responded the next day claiming i was trying to punish you. how low do you think of me? why would i want to punish you? why would i want to deliberately destroy your life? why would i want to cause a panic and cause you harm? all over a request that was fucked up? i can’t even put in a revenge plot for the people that have seriously harmed me! your initial request was fucked up, the allegations are fucked up, but even then i’m not so petty that i want you to suffer needlessly. i don’t like doing things out of spite, out of pettiness.
you want us to get along again. get along again as in be friends again? or get along again as in i wouldn’t question you? that none of this ever happened? that you could go on to just ignore me because now i am the worst?
did i ever matter to you? really? you said you care about me. you said you loved me too. you said you valued our friendship. was that all true, or just machinations? do you know how devastating it is to go back through every moment of our friendship, every hug and hangout and kind word, and wonder if it was all a ploy?
this is the problem with loving someone who is a self-described charmer. someone who has stated, directly to me, that they do rely on manipulation to get ahead. someone whose mission in life is to win people over, someone whose biggest insecurity is the erosion of their friendship circle.
the problem is when things falls apart, it puts all the good/great/amazing things all into question.
was any of it real?
your apology was only that you hurt me. which, don’t get me wrong, i appreciate and acknowledge. that’s step one. but it’s not just one step. you need to listen to where i am coming from, actually listen to me, not put words into my mouth. actually pay attention to what i said, not just glaze over it and call them preconditions or preposterous. not just ignore me when i say your initial request was racist, sexist, and ableist.
you think i throw those words lightly? you think i throw any of my words lightly? you think i said you were acting abusive, gaslighty, controlling – you think i mean that all lightly? i was TERRIFIED! i’m still terrified! nothing you have done is what i am used to from you. i am terrified that you will take this and try to ruin my life, try to hurl more direct abuse at me, try to directly harm me. i’ve already moved from shot messenger to victim.
do you think of me that poorly?
you were my artistic other half. you were my muse. i was going to be part of your brains trust. we had this pretty flourishing creative partnership that was also a mild rivalry but all in good fun. we may have murdered each other if we lived together, but there was a fire and a potency in our connection. my bond with you was deeper than that of some of my romantic partners.
was that bond a lie?
i don’t even know if we can recover from this. i fear this would end up like my ex, the terrible one i tell you about a lot. that because i know we had good times, i would try to go back to those good times, subsume myself, suffer more, be constantly walking on eggshells. and it’d be a cycle, over and over and over, until it explodes. i went through all that with her and i cannot bear to go through that with you. not again. i just can’t.
i can see us maybe, maybe getting to the point where we’re cordial. maybe. given a lot of time, and given you actually trying to meet me halfway here, not just saying you want to discuss this to resolve this but then refusing to listen to me. resolving things doesn’t mean i ignore myself for you.
i know i haven’t really said sorry all that much lately. there are things i would like to apologise for yes, like not handling the bombshells very elegantly, not being able to manage competing demands for time or space. but i feel like i’d been apologising a lot before and i’m wary of being in a situation where i end up doing all the apologising for the both of us. i don’t want my sometimes apologetic nature to be taken advantage of. so i’m walling myself off. be more upfront with your accountability and i’ll be more willing to take that wall down.
i was just about to walk away. i made that first few steps. then you reached out, and i thought, maybe this is a clumsy step one but it’s a step one. but no, you haven’t really gone anywhere, you’re stuck in your own bubble, you’re not really helping.
this is not the you i knew. we are both ridiculously stubborn, yes, but you never used to be this fighty. until now.
i want my friend back. i want my fairy godbro back. but i feel like that friend disappeared that one halloween night when you called and made that wtf request. and then kept going when i tried to manage the bombshell just so i can keep our communities safe. and i don’t know if the person i fell in love with, the person i clicked with amazingly well, the person i miss – i don’t know if that person is there anymore or ever will be there.
or if THIS is the real you and that person was a fabrication all along.
do you care about me? did you ever? did you ever spend any time thinking to yourself, ‘wow i fucked this up, wow i really hurt her, wow i want to make it up to her’?
did you spend the same sleepness nights i spent, or was i the only one invested in our friendship?
i know that doesn’t sound like the case right now, given that i was the one that said this feels like a waste of time, given that i was the one that said i was willing to walk away. but before you reached out again, i spent a lot of time and energy trying to figure out if there was a way through this. if things could be repaired. if things could be better. wondering if i would betray the people you hurt if i decided to bring you back into my life. wondering if it was a good idea. wondering if i indeed did you wrong, if there was a way i could have done any of this better, if i had just said no to our last couple of hangouts just to give us space, if i was willing to get over myself and come to your shared events, if if if…
did any of that cross your mind at all? or was i just the person who started the gossip storm? was i just the person who tried to ruin you?
is that who i am to you now? belligerent, imposing, gaslighty, wrong? nonsensical? presumptous?
did i ever mean anything to you or was that all a lie?
i miss you. even after all this i miss you. even after all this i wish things could be better. i love you still.
but i don’t know if the you i miss, the you i love, is there anymore. or ever was.
(i keep hearing that you burn through close friends very quickly. you claim this is because you move around, but i wonder if there is more to it. i wish i could talk to those close friends, just so i know i wasn’t alone. i hope i’m not alone. it’s crazymaking to feel like i’m alone in this.)