When you hate your own reflection? I see a damaged and fundamentally flawed individual. I see a damaged malfunctioning person and nothing good can come from a damaged malfunctioning person with a troubled history.
It has taken forever to experience being trusted and thus has taken forever for me to learn to trust. And my half trusts have been rewarded with complete let downs. I sometimes see all the accumulated hurt inside as if it was an evil monster. Ready to lash out at an undeserving bystander. I want to protect people from it. But I also want normal relationships and end up hurting people anyway. In attempting to protect others I have held back in all manner of relationships. My friendships and relationships are half formed as a result.
In all the time I have felt cut out of circles and spent on my own, I also have to wonder, do I even know what a normal relationship looks like? Would I recognize one if I was in one? Am I in one?
In the relationships I have managed to have I also have to wonder am I being myself? We all want to be accepted by others and “wear a mask” as a result. Have I been wearing a mask? Am I so constantly wearing a mask that I forgotten who I am? What’s worse, if I am not being authentic, are my relationships authentic? To say it another way, are the people I became friends with, friends with me or with the “mask” I have been wearing?
When I look in the mirror I see the monster that is my history, that can never be rewritten. As if I was born with a deformity. And I worry that I am continuing that sad history living my inauthentic life.
I feel lost with no reference point or guide in sight.