• What do you do…

    by  • December 18, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Depression • 3 Comments

    When you hate your own reflection? I see a damaged and fundamentally flawed individual. I see a damaged malfunctioning person and nothing good can come from a damaged malfunctioning person with a troubled history.

    It has taken forever to experience being trusted and thus has taken forever for me to learn to trust. And my half trusts have been rewarded with complete let downs. I sometimes see all the accumulated hurt inside as if it was an evil monster. Ready to lash out at an undeserving bystander. I want to protect people from it. But I also want normal relationships and end up hurting people anyway. In attempting to protect others I have held back in all manner of relationships. My friendships and relationships are half formed as a result.

    In all the time I have felt cut out of circles and spent on my own, I also have to wonder, do I even know what a normal relationship looks like? Would I recognize one if I was in one? Am I in one?

    In the relationships I have managed to have I also have to wonder am I being myself? We all want to be accepted by others and “wear a mask” as a result. Have I been wearing a mask? Am I so constantly wearing a mask that I forgotten who I am? What’s worse, if I am not being authentic, are my relationships authentic? To say it another way, are the people I became friends with, friends with me or with the “mask” I have been wearing?

    When I look in the mirror I see the monster that is my history, that can never be rewritten. As if I was born with a deformity. And I worry that I am continuing that sad history living my inauthentic life.

    I feel lost with no reference point or guide in sight.

    3 Responses to What do you do…

    1. Warrior
      December 19, 2017 at 12:06 am

      It’s not the past that defines a person. For those days are gone. Today when you wake, you wake with a fresh start. A start to rewrite how your story goes. Your past may have been cruel to you. The people in your past may have also been cruel. One thing I do know is that if you live in the past then the things and people in your future aren’t given the chance to be great. When life knocks you down, stand up, brush your knees off and walk forward. Forget the past hurts. Live each day as a new start. You will be surprised at the new excitement you will have to see what happens, but don’t carry fears from the past with you. For then that wouldn’t be waking with a new start.

      This letter is written out of experience. Im still guilty of carrying some stuff in my backpack, but each day I throw something out. That makes my next day automatically better because my load then is lighter.

      Love Warrior

    2. Forgotten
      December 19, 2017 at 4:19 pm

      You should research narcissism.

      • Brian
        December 21, 2017 at 6:58 am

        Well maybe I am a narcissist. All the more reason to stay away from people.

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