• Last weekend at the party and after

    by  • December 18, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments


    I had fun Saturday and it looked like you did too.
    I can’t wait to see you again in a few weeks.

    I am struggling understanding what is going on between us and if it is just in my head.
    I can handle the truth, even if it means we are just friends.
    I can handle it if you are already with someone. I might act a little weird until I fully process it (just a little weird, not a freak out).
    I am not an idiot, the likelihood of this all working out between us is so low I don’t even think it can be measured. There are so many huge hurdles to jump over.
    All that said, I feel like we were and are connected by such a powerful force, so maybe there is a chance.

    I know you saw me looking at you for a moment here and there at the party.
    You wanted to leave but then changed your mind, started drinking more, and started heavy flirting with someone. Almost like you were trying to show me something, prove something, or maybe it was a nervous reaction to the energy between us. Whatever it was, I somehow knew it was nothing to worry about.
    When I gave you a ride home, you said “You know, I’ll never tell you”. Granted, you were drunk, but why can’t I know? Why must I live in this limbo state. I have been living in this state for as long as I can remember. But maybe you were talking about something completely different. Who knows. When you got out of the truck and closed the door, you open palmed smacked the passenger window, paused, and then walked away. That was a very powerful moment for me, even if it was only meant as a friendship connection.

    I was very happy when I found out you left something behind at the party because I had an excuse to see you again the next day. While I was teasing the hell out of you about the night before, someone knocked at the door. When the door opened, I could see the person was very upset but trying to look and act like everything was ok. They made up a somewhat good excuse to be there but refused to come in. I think I recognize them from last summer when we met at a bar with a mutual friend, and they were your tag along friend. It doesn’t matter where or when, I recognized the face.
    When I met them the first time in the summer, I thought they were nice.
    But I did get a vibe from them that day I can’t describe, almost protective.
    Our conversation also had a moment that day where we were very indirectly discussing why we could not be together (The words were about you being single and hating your job, and me saying it’s never too late to change all that as I looked directly into your eyes. You then saying no no no and me interrupting and saying, why, do you feel like your too old or it’s been too long? And your final answer was “it’s not that”, as you stared back into my eyes). Then we changed the subject.
    When I left that day in the summer, it crossed my mind, could that person be his person? But I was not at all sure.

    Fast forward back to last weekend:
    We go to the party Saturday, I drove, you decide we can stay longer than you originally planned, you get plastered, you lose your wallet at the party but we don’t know it. I drive you home in my truck (as described above). I ask to use your bathroom real quick, you decline, I return to the party cause I’m spending the night over there. I text you about the wallet and said I’ll drop it off Sunday at your relatives house.

    So, are you with this person and just can’t tell me or most people?

    If so, that would explain the following:
    The vibe I felt from that person last summer.
    The statement you made last summer “It’s not that”.
    The reason our plans get changed so often at the last minute.
    A reason why you pull away from me (I know there are more reasons that are my fault).
    It explains why this person shows up at your relatives house while we are there on Sunday, looking like their heart was just ripped out of their chest, on the verge of a breakdown, and then just leaves without coming in. I mean, you went out with me, stayed out much later than you probably promised them, and lose your wallet that I magically find and return.
    They think we slept together, I know I would think so…without a doubt.

    I do not want to cause you, me, or anyone else stress or pain.
    So just tell me the truth and if you need it to stay a secret, I will keep it a secret.
    If they want to be present when we hangout, that’s cool. I want to get to know them.

    Even if you’re not mine, I want you in my life. I lived without you in my life for a long time and it sucked.


    P.S. If you need to tell me on here instead of in person. Just make sure you I understand it is you answering me and what question you are answering.

    Yes, that is my person; No, just a friend with benefits; or No, I am single.

    The nickname of my car back in the day was ….
    I object I was holding in my hand in that video you made is a ….
    The name of my street was ….
    A good friend of ours died in the month of …
    Anything you KNOW I will definitely remember.

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