• Speak up.

    by  • December 13, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 5 Comments

    What was that you said?

    I couldn’t quite hear you over the noise of this website.

    How long have you been here, I wonder? It’s hard to imagine you stalking me on the net just to read my innermost thoughts and feelings.

    Hopefully you understand why I write here. Our conversations never really go anywhere and everything ia still left up in the air when it is all said and done. No resolutions.

    This intrusion of privacy is insulting, but well deserved I suppose.

    The truth is that I fear you and the damage you could cause if I truely let you. It would be so easy. I don’t trust you, because I somewhat don’t trust myself I guess. A realization that has taken me too long to understand. Even finding you here begs the question I must ask myself: Were you here stalking me? Or were you here for someone else? Or is it really you?

    Until we speak about this in person, face to face, I will not be, can never be sure.

    All of that aside, I want to trust you with all that I am. But I can’t. I wonder if I am even capable of trust anymore? I prefer to be smart, and keep myself safe. So I guess I make up false images in my brain and fall in love with them. They are safer. There, in my fantasy, I can love freely and be loved by anyone I so choose. I just have to be careful. It is easier at times to portray these images onto real people. This convinces me that I am in love with these people.

    How psychotic am I? I am so afraid of true love that I have made myself crazy running from it.

    I guess I need help.

    I am sorry.
    I love you.

    5 Responses to Speak up.

    1. Projection
      December 13, 2017 at 1:38 pm

      A severe case.

    2. Warrior
      December 14, 2017 at 8:14 am

      Why do you say psychotic? A lot of people run from raw emotions to protect themselves all the time. Then they come up with ways to handle it like you have. It’s not psychotic at all. It’s human nature to do things like this. Don’t beat yourself up so much. Don’t put so much pressure on yourself. I’m sure your person understands. If they don’t then they aren’t good for you. I am also guilty of this very thing.

      • author
        December 19, 2017 at 5:24 pm

        This is the best reply. That said, I want to thank you for your acceptance. I feel as though you somehow understand, and only someone in this position would. I do feel crazy. I do feel insane. I do feel that I have wasted so much time, effort, and energy. I don’t know what road I will take. I don’t know if I will take the path of a dead end or the path to golden fields of honeysuckles. Maybe I’ll pave my own path. I can’t be sure. I just can’t lose faith in myself, if that makes sense. I have already lost so much of myself.

        I don’t think my person could understand this, and I don’t care. It’s my burden. It’s my path. To know that I am not alone is enough. Thank you for your response, Stranger. You have made me feel comfort in this chaos. Your kindness radiates realness. Thank you.

    3. Britney
      December 14, 2017 at 8:46 pm

      Okay I tried really hard to make this make sense to me so I could understand but it’s making my head hurt. Probably just tired. It is late. I will revisit this tomorrow and maybe then have a response.

    4. Britney
      December 17, 2017 at 12:32 am

      Okay after thinking about all this I am still quite confused. So I guess first I just want to say that if this is truly not projecting then I am really sorry you do this because it seems like a lot of work. Next I want to mention that it is perfectly fine not to trust people. Not everybody deserves to be trusted. What I don’t understand is when you say that you can’t trust others because you can’t trust yourself. To me that makes no sense. I definitely trust myself but I don’t initially trust anybody. History has taught me not to. A person has to prove to be trustworthy in my opinion. I guess I don’t understand what you don’t trust about yourself.

      Guarding your heart is perfectly acceptable. Creating fake people to love to prevent you from loving real people that could potentially hurt you seems to be your defense mechanism. Not a healthy one but I guess it keeps your heart in one piece. Being hurt sucks but never loving a real person sucks way more.

      You need to understand that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Whether you like it or not you will love one day. When the right person shows up you won’t have a choice. The heart does what it does. Your mind can block it out and allow you to do what your doing but that inner battle is only hurting you because you are allowing the person that loves you to be hurt and walk away. What if they keep walking? Are you ready to let fear have that much power seriously?

      I’ve done some pretty backassward things in my own life mostly due to my past. I understand wanting to keep yourself safe. Hell I understand trying to protect people I care about. I have sacrificed my own happiness a few times myself. But at some point you are going to have to realize that you deserve to be happy too and screw all the rest.

      Expressing yourself through writing is pretty awesome. Try keeping it as just that. A portal of release. Just remember that true human interaction can not be replaced by the internet. Work towards finding a balance between. Just because you don’t know how doesn’t mean you can’t learn how. Everybody has to start somewhere.

      Good luck author. I wish you the best.

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