What was that you said?
I couldn’t quite hear you over the noise of this website.
How long have you been here, I wonder? It’s hard to imagine you stalking me on the net just to read my innermost thoughts and feelings.
Hopefully you understand why I write here. Our conversations never really go anywhere and everything ia still left up in the air when it is all said and done. No resolutions.
This intrusion of privacy is insulting, but well deserved I suppose.
The truth is that I fear you and the damage you could cause if I truely let you. It would be so easy. I don’t trust you, because I somewhat don’t trust myself I guess. A realization that has taken me too long to understand. Even finding you here begs the question I must ask myself: Were you here stalking me? Or were you here for someone else? Or is it really you?
Until we speak about this in person, face to face, I will not be, can never be sure.
All of that aside, I want to trust you with all that I am. But I can’t. I wonder if I am even capable of trust anymore? I prefer to be smart, and keep myself safe. So I guess I make up false images in my brain and fall in love with them. They are safer. There, in my fantasy, I can love freely and be loved by anyone I so choose. I just have to be careful. It is easier at times to portray these images onto real people. This convinces me that I am in love with these people.
How psychotic am I? I am so afraid of true love that I have made myself crazy running from it.
I guess I need help.
I am sorry.
I love you.