Hey other guy,
I have a lot of feelings and now I’m writing a letter.
Man, how did this happen. This was the last thing I was thinking of when we sat down for our curries in that hostel in June. Yet, here we are 6 months later. IT’S BEEN SIX MONTHS?! I’ll be honest, a lot of the things you’ve said about my age, about the wonders of my first traveling experience are all things I told myself when we started getting close. I told myself I was getting emotional with the end of our time volunteering coming to an end and I was confusing my feelings. I had many pep talks with myself about how I couldn’t let one drunken fumble ruin three years of a relationship (even though I wanted to). But leaving you was honestly one of the most emotionally exhausting things I’ve ever done. I don’t think I’ve ever spent such a massive amount of my time reflecting on life, my thoughts, my feelings, everything as I did those following weeks. That should have been an indicator that this was something more than some emotional response to the end of a holiday.
We talk about the age difference thing, and how it’s just a number, but I’m really starting to feel like I’m a baby in terms of experience right now. I’ve gone through one “break up” at 18, which can hardly be called an adult relationship, yet I still definitely harbour a heap of insecurities from it. And then I have one other relationship to base everything I know on. And I do hate to tell you this much because I know you don’t want to hear it.. But it has been a really, really good relationship. We were the power couple everyone else wishes they were like.
And I guess of all the things I’m feeling right now, one of them is a bit of disappointment, and a bit of lost hope. It’s hard to accept that something you once thought was perfect is flawed and probably won’t have the same outcome that you expected. I’ve gone through a “LOVE DOESN’T EXIST” emo phase in my reaction to all this. Which is definitely just youth and a lack of experience of heart break. I guess I just put a lot of myself into these things (I do it for everything in life really) and I find it hard to let go and am prone to disappointment.
I’m terrified by all of these feelings. But also I do know that one is not a result of the other. I’m recognising things aren’t going to work with BF while also having feelings for you and I think that’s important. I think I need to come to a conclusion about one independent of the other to really find closure. And I’m sorry if that makes it seem like you’re a second choice or not important to me or anything of the sorts, because I’d hate to think you thought that. Right now I’m at the stage where I know I need to live the life I have now. As much as I want to spend the next however many months day dreaming of you and longing and moping, I know I can’t. My life is here right now and your life is somewhere totally new and that’s ok. I also just can’t bring myself to turn my life so totally upside down right now and I know that that’s cowardly and selfish and I’m sorry for that too. But I need to survive this final year in college and continuing in a relationship that I ultimately know is not forever is something that I need to see through right now. I’m also trying to tell myself that’s not as bad as I think it is. I’m 22, (and yes I’m now playing the age card in my favour) I can be happy in a relationship even if I know a few months down the line it may not be there anymore.
It does also mean I need to stop living such a double life. I do love BF and I owe that much to him while we are still together. And I have too much respect for you to think that you’d think cheating physical or otherwise is something that I’m capable of. So after this letter I am going to promise myself that I live less in our fantasy world and more in the world I’m in right now. And I don’t want you to think that’s because I’m trying to forget you, or trying to move on from you or that I don’t care. It’s just me facing the (pretty sad) reality of the situation we’ve found ourselves in.
Since coming to visit you I’ve dealt with my feels in a much different way than the first time. Where as before I spent a lot of time reflecting on myself, on my feelings, on my relationship, this time I spent a lot of time day dreaming. You name it, I’ve thought about it. Coming to visit you. You coming home and coming to visit me. You leaving your job because you’d rather be with me (don’t do that, I’d kill you). Me getting a job near you and living with you. I’ve gone through my job interview, how I’d tell my parents, how I’d tell my students hahaha. I’ve thought about our wedding (I’d rather not have one to be honest). I’ve thought about the car we’d have (It’s your convertible that you just drive me around in, sorry) Christmases. It’s been a lot, and I think you’ll agree it’s probably not healthy. To be fair, you’ve probably dropped your tablet and ran away at this point. I’ve spent a lot of time in bed listening to John Mayer. And like he says, moving on and getting over are not the same. So for now, I think I need to move on. But if my visit is anything to go by, I’m fairly certain I won’t be getting over you anytime soon.
You have rocked my world. And I hope you continue to. I hope you continue to be my best friend that I can be totally honest with, whatever happens. I hope someday you can continue to be my best friend while also being naked. I hope we get to travel the world together. I hope we get to work together and save the ocean together. I hope we have many cups of tea and cartoon watching sessions ahead of us. But for now, I hope you work hard. I hope you gain lots of experience. I hope you make lots of friends. I hope you do lots of diving. I hope I graduate. I hope I find a job. I hope I’m happy and I hope you’re happy too. And I hope I’ll see you soon.
I love you a shit tonne. (To be interpreted however you see fit)