I go over and over every significant moment Ive shared with you. I analyze and relive so many moments of joy, intrigue,
passion, anger, confusion, inspiration, hope, pain, regret, remorse…. all of it, everything.
And you don’t care.
I am torturing myself, because I can’t get out of my own head. I can’t let myself let my guard down. My heart says I love you, but my head says I can’t.
This war waging within is so complex. Each battle I fight within myself is usually won by my mind, because of something you say or do or dont say or dont do. You give me nothing, and I have given away so much of my power to you. My heart is screaming for you to throw it a sword, a dagger, something, anything to fight back with. Your silence should be enough for me. Still my feet are glued to the floor, unable to walk away.
I look for reasons to hate you, but I can’t. I respect you and every decision you make. You are so amazing you don’t even know.
Every now and then I catch a glimpse of what I hope is there boiling under the surface, but it dissipates quickly. And I am left to wonder if I imagined it all. It is a pleasing affirmation and then… BAM! Reality strikes and I am left in the dark silence alone yet again.
What is it that hides behind those eyes? What secrets lie there? You used to look at me. Now you avoid eye contact. What have I done? Is it me?
Why won’t you talk to me like you used to? Why don’t you look me in the eye? Why don’t you spend time with me? Why do you avoid being alone with me? Why won’t you be honest? Why don’t you initiate anything? What happened to those little comments that made me feel thought about? What happened to you doing things with me?
I miss you and you are right here.