Are you leaving me breadcrumbs? A trail of clues to let me know you are here and hearing my innermost voice and reading my most intimate thoughts? I feel like you are sending me hints and puzzles to solve.
I must say if that is the case, thank you for stepping up in an attempt to ensure me of my sanity. But I am still not sure. Your voice is rather faint still.
If I am once again mistaken, then I should probably be certified by now. Day to day your actions, words, and well you prove to be disgusted and annoyed by me. You treat me as if I am beneath you… most of the time. There are; however, those small gestures that make me think… then no. I snap out of it and remember that I am overstepping.
This dance is insanity. I am starting to think that is what you actually want. My heart and my mind have waged this battle for so long that anyone would break. I am broken.
Yes, we are in each others lives for some reason. Perhaps you are simply a lesson for me. May be we are each other’s lesson. This facade of division, the invisible wall between us is just that. For years now I have imagined our embrace as I fall to sleep. I have laid in bed for way too long many times after awakening, imagining you there with me. I find warm comfort in such delusions. Like you understand, and I am not alone in this. Then I realize how crazy I am and force it all away for a while. But I these feelings never stay gone for long.
I feel so drawn to you. You can hurt me like no other, and the anger and pain is immense. But the forgiveness is swift and compassionate and understanding.
You are a beautiful soul, and I have made many mistakes. I could never be sorry enough. But this goes beyond that regret. Neither of us asked for this: Our worlds shaken to the core. And while I can’t walk away from you, I must do what I feel is right in each circumstance on each day. I must. No matter how badly I want to touch you and show you my adoration, I can’t. No matter how it burns me to wish I could reach for you, I won’t. No matter how I feel, I must do what is right.
Again, maybe I am crazy. Maybe you are gay or bi or a player or whatever… None of that matters for this connection I feel. The only thing that holds me back is your own holding back. I want to rub your shoulders and slide my fingertips down your arm. I want to brush my lips across your neck and nibble your earlobe. Goosebumps pop up on your chest as my nails glide across the skin ever so gently. Slowly moving down, down. Well, perhaps some things are better left for the imagination.
Please don’t get me wrong. That is not your key appeal. I have written countless letters on your other appealing qualities, and maybe 3 involving physical intimacy.
Just know that, if you are there, I am tormented daily. And I still don’t know how I will continue to hide this charade within myself. But maybe to know that you know… out there? Some sort of signal? Some sort of eye contact? IDK. I’m tired of breadcrumbs. I need a slice of bread, ya know?