Somehow, whenever I experience great joy or great pain, it leads me back to my unending yearning for you. Now you are 14 years in my past, before my marriage, my children, my move to the States, yet the searing pain clings to my gut still. I have moved on without you, accepted the ugly truth of it all, achieved and pulled myself mercilessly on and on into my future regardless of this belly ache that is the loss of you. Go now, go now, go now. Please, take your essence and destroy it somewhere far away from me. Whatever I do, there seems to be no cure. Therapy, exercise, writing, denial, acceptance, there is no thing I haven’t tried. And still my body begs me for your kisses again, for the sound of your voice, for the softness at the nape of your neck, for the part of you that rushes up my nostrils and makes me so happy and keen for more and more until infinity, for your beautiful cat eyes that imprinted onto my deepest parts. Please go! Please leave me now. I want no memory of you. I’m done trying to embrace and accept what happened. It does not work. I have 3 children to nurture. I need the space that you always take up in my mind and body soul. I need it back because it belongs to my husband and children now. Your memory makes me a liar and an emotional cheat. I want to fill my private spaces with the love of today, and exorcise the belly ache of yesterday. Please….please go now. Please.