Excuse my cornyniss or my grammar . I wrote this in tears on my phone
I am writing to you because it is easier for me to write you and write down my thoughts clearly then to talk to you on the phone. I feel like what I am trying to say on the phone isn’t coming out the way I want it to unless I saw you in person . But as you read this please keep a open mind and heart. I want you to think about your life beyond the army .
I hate that you were miserable. I hate that you were sad or angry . And I hate that you don’t want to be in each other’s lives anymore . Love is that one thing that makes life worth living and conquers all. It washes away pain and heals . It builds you up and gives you strength . And yet Love is not a strong enough word for me to describe how I feel about you .
I want you to be happy . Your happiness means everything to me . What I don’t think I was doing a good job of was making that clear to you . Once I had you in my life , and I tasted your love I could never go back to a life without it. Loving you gives my life meaning . Your such a original beautiful soul. I feel grateful to God for you being in my life . I probably never told you that I pray for you and thanked God for you all the time .
I am not as strong as you . You give me strength and lifted me up so I could become whole . You are my reason for wanting and reaching for the stars . You are the reason why I get up in the morning . You are the love of my life . As much as you think I can move on , or I will be okay without you I won’t . I’m not that strong and I never want to be to were I could live without you.
I am not trying to be cynical but I can’t live my life without love from you after having it. Your braver than me for being able to go on and try to live without someone who cares about you like we do for each other . But in that regard I am weak . I grew up in your form . Your apart of my identity. I always prayed growing up for someone like you to walk into my life . I am eternally grateful to God and you for your presence and the fact that you are in my life . When you picture the rest of your life right now what do you see ? Can you picture it without love after having it ? It’s easy to live without it in the army but what about the rest of your life in the civilian world ? Do you remember that day at the pool in Oklahoma? Holding you in the sun was one of the happiest moments of my life and it was so simple and timeless . I had never felt more at home then in your arms . You are my home not this place Brian . It’s you .
Do you care to hear honestly how I wanted life to go for us ? What I hope and pray for ? I hope you would come back , I would finish school and we would settle were you wanted to go . You would get a amazing criminal super hero job and finish school. And I would start PR at google . We would get another pug named Petey. So together we would have Petey Pablo. Then we would explore out west and go camping in Arizona, Colorado, Washington. All things I actually like doing . I love the outdoors. We would see the aura lights together in Alaska. We would fuck to the wolves howling at the moon . We would merge our souls as we spent starry nights in the Grand Canyon making love in the desert sands . We would be the best friends that anyone could ever have . We would get married when we where older and bored since that’s what you do when your in your late 20s . Then we would buy a house and get another dog this time a big dog . I would wait about a good year or two I would be like 29ish 28 and then I would be bored and have a son. We would name him something cool like MegaTron or Optimus Prime Brian Junior . And we would be that beautiful old couple who every time a wrinkle pop up we would fall more in love with each other . And we support each others dreams and I would convert to being Catholic. One of my favorite saints is Saint Theresa. And we would realize how blessed we are to have found each other and spend eternity together.
It’s not just a dream it’s the hope that I give myself to be able to carry on while your gone . Remember when I asked you to promise me you would come back to me before you left ? And you said ,
There’s no one else in this life to love .
And it didn’t matter what you hurled at me or did to me I knew you would always love me and I will always fight for you .
Love is like a dance . It takes two to tango . One person being at fault means we both are losing emotionally. Who cares anymore about who’s at fault when we are so lucky to have something people die never knowing , LOVE . Love is not easy , and it’s not always great . But it’s what we’re where made for Brian. It’s why we’re where made. We are made to love and be loved . That’s our purpose on this Earth . We both had highs , we both had lows . But love is what makes it worth it. It rules over old wounds , hate , anger , loss , blood , Love this the reason why we were created .
You my sweet Brian made me a better person in many ways. You taught me how to choose light and to forgive. I learned from you how to show mercy and grace . I genuinely learned how wonderful it can feel to put someone else’s needs before yours and be happy to be of value and service to there lives . I learned how to have your best interest at heart . You taught me how to be whole with your compassion. Brian you are an amazing human being . You brought me closer to God . You builded me to be my best . You made me feel safe . You made me not afraid to die because with you I had a life worth living that people never have in thousands of lifetimes. With you I can face anything.
Here is the hard part of my letter .
I also let you drag me into new depths of darkness and dispair that I never knew I could fall into . When we fight or when you are angry with me I become physically ill . I actually started to get the ulcers from stress which is why I needed surgery . I’m not blaming that on you I was just scared to tell you . I felt a pain of betrayal and heartbreak to the point of thinking life is a cruel fucking joke and not worth fighting for . You make me feel like I am not worthy of love . It was like walking and being lead blindfolded, thinking your in good hands but your about to fall to your demise.
I am not going to make a laundry list of the parts of myself I lost because of you. When you asked me to forgive and fight for love I did. Because I believed in you and us . The things I gained and the love we have is worth the heartache and pain I went through. I have faith in you . I admire you . I worship you . I need you to live Brian.
I hate that you had dark times as well . I hate that I watched you hurt . I hate that I didn’t have patience with you . I hate that you thought I didn’t love you as you are and wanted to change you . But most of all I hate I never realized I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you until you walked out the door . I told you it took me awhile to accept the love and understand it for what it truly meant .
I hate that I learned mercy and grace and forgiveness like you asked but you never learned it at all . You never could let love win . You never learned or trusted me to open up to me . Even when I begged you . You never opened up your mind to me , just your heart . Let me say this hear because I don’t think I can say this any other way .
Your mind and the way you think is not what bothered me It was that you never let me explore your mind and thoughts because you assumed I would be uninterested or upset to get to know you . When all I wanted was to love it all even if it was bad or not my same train of thought . I love all of you . Even the parts that don’t make sense or smell, the parts that get angry or lash out . All of you .
I’m sorry that me wanting to spend time with you made you feel guilty and that distracted you from what you wanted to accomplish. I just wanted to be on the same page as you and I felt like a outsider looking into your world sometimes . I just wanted to spend every free moment I could with you because I wanted to be happy with you . I am sorry for feeling like I had to save you . It was just me worrying that I wasn’t good enough for you so I wanted you to be able to stand on your own 2 feet . I wanted all of your dreams to come true and I thought I knew best on how to get you there and I was wrong .
You probably felt like I wanted you to be something your not. You felt like I compared you to everyone else . You felt like it would never be enough and I don’t see you for who you are. You must think I didn’t value you or I thought you weren’t book smart . I meant you were not smart in the sense of not needing guidance and not seeing how amazing you are . Which there is nothing wrong with that. I wish I had guidance in my life. I’m sorry you feel like I don’t know why you are angry with me .
I want you to know I understand. I hear you . I cry for you . And I will spend every day for the rest of my life making it right by you and making it up to you . I’m sorry . You are the most important thing in my life. I love you more than my own life . I will do anything to prove to you that I will make you happy . I only ask that you communicate with me and give me another chance . I need you to trust that I will never in my life try to hurt you even if you try to hurt me ever again . I vow I will always be the bigger person. I swear to be your rock . I hope you forgive me and give me the chance as I did for you .
But it’s very important to me Brian that you realize that you are a amazing , loving , brave man. You are fair , kind and true . So I asked that you don’t hold me to this double standard and you take into consideration how much I need you and love you. I need you to open up to me so we can live our destiny and be in love . Please don’t choose misery and hate when you and I have this rare chance to happiness and true love that most people never have in there entire life time . We are so blessed to have each other . Pleas lay down your guard . Please lay down your judgements and fears and see us for who we are to each other and what we would be. See me for me , and you for you . And us for what we could be if you choose to let us be together . We are two people who love each other so much it hurts . We are two people who have found love in a cruel world and found the love of our lives . We are two souls who found there souls mate.
Whatever it is you want from me or want to do with your life I will give it two you so we can be together happily ever after . If you wanted to move back home and live in a card board box on 6 Mile and lasher I would be in that box with you happy and blessed to have you . If you lost your legs or were no longer able to make Love I would be loyal to you and love you forever and always . I will be whatever you need me to be so I can be apart of your world.
Nothing is important to me without you . I find everyday life and just shit in general to be pretty meaningless without your love . School is pointless, money is just paper , and my life has no value to it without you ,my strength in it .
To put it straight to you I’m sorry . I will never hurt you again . Please remember why you love me Brian . I refuse to live in a world that you are in alive and well were we can’t be together . Brian I love you and you are my life . I don’t think you understand that I will not continue without you at all . I’m sorry I hurt you . I’m sorry you don’t think I admire you . Brian you are the most beautiful , kind , brave , gorgeous, affectionate, funny , smart , inspiring soul and person I have ever met and I am SO grateful to GOD to have been blessed to have you in my life . Love like I said is to weak of a word to describe how I feel about you but it’s the strongest word in our language. I am grateful for your presence in my life .
Please don’t cast my life away . I will be nothing without you . I know you don’t believe me but I am only half way functioning now on hope that you will come back . If I loose that Brian I will loose my life . I can’t be alive without you . Your a part of me I need to survive .
I vow and swear I will never love another man ever and that you have my heart forever . It belongs to you .
1 Corinthians 13:4-5: Love is patient, love is kind, It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
I believe in this verse and it changed my view on how i love in general . I will not hold you to the wrong doings of your past against me . I will gladly swallow my pride and wants to be in your life . I want you to try to replace the words love in that verse with our names and see if it fits? Can you try to do the same for me ?
Forever you are in my heart , and forever I am sorry .
P.s. Pablo misses you and I . I wish we could all be together forever again like family. If that doesn’t happen and I’m not here anymore please look after him and my nana