• You are the topic of my angry lunchtime conversation

    by  • November 28, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Heartbreak • 0 Comments

    Did you ever know that I wasn’t in love with you in the beginning. I was in love with someone else. He was also in love with, well, not me. We were best friends for years. But all that is another letter for another time. We met all those years ago, I was drawing and you were watching Cinderella. We used to hate each other. Do you remember that? Then being so desperate and confused, I told you that I liked you and you… ruined those words that were supposed to be sacred forever. “I love you,” but you never did. I began to try to love you, in that way and I did. I really did. Every touch, even so seemingly insignificant, was electric. I loved hugging you. You smelled like overly sweet apples and you were so warm. I wanted to stay forever that way, with you. When I loved those things, I also overlooked your flaws like how you were way too much like my dad and how out of your league I was. I began to wake up though. When we were friends you listened and you could reciprocate feelings in your own awkward way. When we were in that horrifyingly awkward in between zone… you started being really crappy to me. For an example let me remind you of the most devastatingly uncomfortable moments of my life. For our birthdays we went to a concert. First off, it was bad from the beginning missing Band of Horses (who now I can’t listen to because of you), but the car ride was the ‘nail in the coffin’. I tried to hold your hand the whole way home. My arm was twisted, painfully wedged in an arm bar made up of the giant car seat in between us. All you did was leave me stuck there (also, at least we never did anything that I won’t regret even more than trying to hold your hand.) For loving me you had a funny way of showing it you. You didn’t. You made every interaction ten times worse from all your weird social insecurities. Then I knew I had to friend zone you and friend zone you hard. I did. And you were such a dick about it. I did maybe obsess a little with trying to piss you off at the end but there is one simple reason why: you broke my heart. You: the most awkward curly red haired freak with new found teenage angst, broke my heart. Why did I let you… I didn’t. I want to use the excuse that I truly never loved you or the only reason I did was because I couldn’t have someone else. I did like someone else, but because I knew you for so long it was just, comfortable. Now I regret it. Most, if not all of it, but it did teach me things. Now I know “I love you” can be phrase that someone says as a cheesy pickup line, and that I should never lower my standards unless someone is truly worth it. I am trying to sympathetically forgive you, but what you did sucks. I do now need to say I want you to be happy and that I am sorry that you are suffering. Also if YOU are reading this stop nosing in my life, I would highly appreciate that.

    P.S Thanks for texting my “homecoming” date to see if it was legit. You really must have low standards for me to think I could never get one.

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