As I sit below the deck at work drinking my coffee. I see a bee going from flower to flower. The lake serene. Its a bit chilly this Sunday morning. Caught up in my thoughts and unspoken lamentations.
This love inside of me. Circling around and around inside me. My love for you my home, my Tony. Love has burned me. Burned me raw to the bone. I cower back time and time again. Cower back into the cave like an injured lioness. To die a slow painful death.
I tried. I tried to do things right. I asked, I asked and You answered my Lord. You pointed me to my path. You gave my heart a home. A home to which I can find rest. I did, I did as I was instructed. I failed, Failed miserably.
I couldnt find the door to my home. My home, my Tony. I knocked, I knocked but no answer came from inside. I felt afraid, Afraid and all alone in this journey. But I had faith, I had faith and so I ventured. I ventured, I ventured into the unknown. The unknown known only by you my God. I traced, I traced my footprints onto yours like a child. I followed, I followed in hope and love. I put, I put my own will and logic aside. Only, Only to be met with my own destruction. Did I not hear You properly?. Did I go ahead of You my Lord? Did I misread the vision. I am afraid for me amd my future at times.
For too long, For too long I couldnt pray, For too long I struggle, Struggle with this. So God hear my roaring cry from the cave, My cry for You. Hide me, Hide me in your shadow. As time and time again I crawl back to You. Cover me with your Grace, Heal my wounds. Wash them with your tears. And cover them with your Grace.
I wait, I wait on your Word. I need your healing, Your healing in this journey. My fears and uncertainty hold me captive. Be my solace. We’ve come so far God. You and I. You know me. And I know You. I am Yours. And You are mine.
My heart longs to walk the land of my fathers’ ancestors. To keep myself isolated from everything. I have been a faithful soldier. A soldier of life. A soldier of your Word. Study, I study life time and time again. My strides become weary with every step these days. Seeking for You. I study Your Word time and time again. Its engrained into my soul. But maybe, maybe I do not understand. Therefore my Lord grant me Wisdom. May your wisdom be my bed onto which I can always find rest. Let me be responsible and accountable in my faith with the help of your Wisdom.
They say struggle makes a person stronger. The Angels bid me go on. To never give up. To trust. To have faith. To continue to hope. To hope and have faith in the bigger picture. To keep calm and be patient. As I seek, As I seek Your Sweet Justice. Roaring hear my cries from the cave. Sweet Justice in your Word I seek. Crying, give me truth to cling to once more.
Disappointment hounds me like the Devils hound. Barking and sneering at me. Its bark slicing deep within my soul. Barking like a rabid dog. Its poison sure to kill me slowly. Am I lost. Am I lost.
Lead me to the mountains near my ancestors home. Let me climb with my weary hands to meet you on the mountain top. Meet me there. When we meet let me cling to You and never let me go. No matter what happens dont let me go. Scramble, scramble I will until I reach the top. Fall I will midway, fall I will on my way to You. Humanity is both my curse and my blessing. Back up again I will stand. Stand with one hope, hope that I will reach the destination. Give me Your laws when I reach the mountain top. Ululate I will, ululate I will with the triumph that my God has obtained through me.
Judge me accordingly. Look deep into this human fragile heart of mine which cries for its home. My home, my Tony. My head clean shaven, brown eyes, scar on chin under lip on left side, dimpled cheeks prince. The home that you granted in frustration to my pleas for your help my Lord.
God of my family. God of my ancestors. You who sees all. If this be your will let this be. Let me not swim in my own stubborness of my own fickle worthless mortal will. If I am lost let your Angels find me and bring me home. Lead me down the right path.
Promise me this. Take care of my home, my Tony even though the door to him I cannot find. Even though I do not possess the keys to unlock and enter the door to its threshold. Continue to make this precious home I love and long for beautiful. Mold it with your powerful hands. Make it powerful and strong. May your Holy Archangel Michael and his strong army encamp around this home that is the man I love to stand ready to protect, fight and rebuke all enemies. To make this man’s path of the man I love in life smooth, safe and harmonious. May this beautiful home that is your creation, a masterpiece in your image always be blessed. May it stand like the mountain of Zion. A mountain of your Word. May it glorify your name for always.
Silence! Silence my heart my Lord. For Clouded I am, clouded I am. My words fail me. My words come out jumbled like puzzels. But I still feel the Sun beyond the clouds. You are my Sun my Lord. Your rays penetrate the clouds to reach down deep into my soul. As my father used to say that my great grandfather used to say you hide yourself among the clouds full of thunder and lighting to hide your physical presence over us and to never be afraid of anything for they are you and you are them. Your power and majesty surrounds all the days of my life. Permit me rest. Rest and Peace in you. Sweet Justice!!!
Rantings of a woman in love