October 2008 you drove a 100 miles to see me. Then, after that letter you wrote and summoned me up so I could join you in your facade of god-boy image. I came back for the week. I regret that. At the time I thought you did that for me, so I didn’t have to ‘face the music alone’ but really, it was for you , so that you can have the closure that you needed just how you wanted. Once again it took a decade to realise that. You couldn’t live with it could you ? If you left things how they were? You felt responsible because you were and there is no running from that.
To accept the fact you wanted to shake the blame off yourself, knowing fully well you were the reason I left in the first place. That you , you were the reason I left my studies and a good job and everything close to my heart, because I could no longer take the pressure that you created.
Thank you for ruining the best years of my life,please make no mistake in thinking that I refer to it ‘best’ because of you. I mean best years of my life when I knew where I was heading and why, I had a plan well before you entered my life, Jesus!/ I wish you hadn’t.
But you did, you charmed your way through and used and abused everything body mind soul.
I got lost, I started drinking , taking drugs and doing everything to forget the hell I had gone through because you put me in that position.
To go into great detail would mean to re-live it , that is one thing I dont want to happen.
You took me and played with me like I was a toy, making me believe that I wasnt wasting my time , because God knows my insticts were right when I up and left you one summer. Naive, too young and too weak my life in your hands. I will never forgive you !!
I hate seeing you now, though you walk past me like a total stranger, I like that. Keep that up. But I just thought I would write a letter you will never come across as it may relieve the tension, hate is too strong an we both know I am not capable of it but I see through you. I see the bullshit as clean as your leather jacket as bald as the head you hide under the artificial hair as the fake smile you carry at times pretending you are happy. Makes no difference to me now whether you are or not but I see it, I feel it just a I feel the cut through my heart and a stab in my gut each time your face appears at that gate and I feel myself fall six feet under. You remind me of all that I had become , all I had swam through and miraculously survived.
You are a walking reminder , that I existed once before I became someone else. I will never forgive you. No matter how much I wish I could I know I wont.
When you go to bed tonight – think of me. For I want you to live my pain as I did then , because its a lot less than you deserve