I told you I would stop escorting. I never meant it. I can’t live without the money or the freedom. I did cut down, but did not stop. How did you think I was paying my bills without asking you for money?
You are a good man and I would never want to use you or hurt you. I don’t think you get it. Escorting is a job for me. It is less personal than selling real estate. I feel terrible about it because I promised you I would stop. You deserve the truth and honesty. So I sit here eating, hurting and lying. I am carrying your child. Something should be sacred and our love is. But I need help, and I cannot do it alone.
I have never depended on anyone. I never will, but maybe I should try. We exchanged our vows and our married. Isn’t love about receiving? I keep pushing you away because it is too much to take, all of this love, all of this goodness. I keep thinking that I do not deserve it. So I eat, I stuff my feelings down. On top of it, I am pregnant with your baby. I love this baby. However, sometimes it feels like a parasite making me gain weight, feel tired and stealing my life force.
I want to feel sexy, independent and full of dreams and ambition. Yet, when I tell you my plans for the future, the kind of projects I want to work on, you tell me to be careful… That you don’t want me to ruin our relationship by being gone all the time. How am I supposed to quit escorting and develop an alternate income that I enjoy and dream of doing when it doesn’t fit into your corporate model of what a job is?
Do you want to take everything good about me, and kill it? Sometimes it seems so. And so I eat and eat… And eat. I have to stop. This is literally a form of suicide. I have to do what is right for me, and it begins today.