• Completely <3

    by  • November 22, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 4 Comments

    I completely want to be part of your life. Always will.
    I’m completely infatuated by you. Not 100% sure what that means so don’t quote me on it.
    What I mean is, I will always care about you, I always think of you, I always wish things could be different between us.
    But, at the same time, there’s this part of me that refuses my guard to be let down because, you probably don’t think the same of me.
    I can’t say that because, I don’t know what you think.
    What I do know is when ever you do look at me I feel your energy. I feel that rock hit like woah.
    Do you get that if I see you first?
    Sometimes you just come out of nowhere and I think is it you, could it be you?
    You seem to see me mostly though when I don’t look my best. Not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing. Maybe it’s a good thing because it’s possibly not as intimidating.
    I like seeing you when you’re more causal. It makes me feel that you’re more approachable.

    4 Responses to Completely <3

    1. D-
      November 23, 2017 at 9:52 pm

      K-

      I want to be a part of your life and always will too.
      I always care, always think about you, and always think things could be different between us.
      I understand the guard too, that’s my fault and the politics of the situations fault. I am not absolutely sure about how you feel either. But know this, I have always felt and will always feel like we were supposed to be together.

      Back when I had open choices, If I were to say something direct to you, I was faced with losing you, family, friends, and dealing with politics if I was completely wrong. Worse yet, if I was right but you were not ready, it could have had the same result. On top of that, I was constantly doubting myself, thinking it was only in my head and heart, and thinking that any subtle signals I was getting from you were fabrications in my own mind. Fear was also fully in charge; I may act strong, talk strong, and always have a smile, but back then I was cowering on the inside.

      If you are who I think you are, I know you understand; hating yourself, politics, and fear.
      Even with all that on my shoulders, I did try to give you signals, but our signals to each other were not direct and clear for obvious reasons. I do think my signals were clearer than yours but I place no blame on you, I was the one who broke things beyond repair and hammered the final nails in the coffin.

      I will try to explain like I have on here in the past, Each time I explain it comes out a little different, there are two reasons for that. 1st: I blocked things out, I did not realize how effective that would be. 2nd: It has been a very long time, and most of my memories are tied to feelings. So I have to really concentrate to put thoughts, feelings, places, events in the proper order without gaps. So here goes again.

      I was struggling with feelings for you for years. I was in love, so fucking in love but also terrified.
      This left me hanging in limbo with constant longing for you. This really is a ‘type’ of pain.
      We were constantly together but not really. I was slowly going crazy, really losing my mind.

      At this point, I am not sure why I started making the decisions I made, I think it might have been a survival response to the constant turmoil in me. This caused the following thought processes to happen quickly: My feelings shut down. You became just a friend. I decided to choose who I was going to be and who I was going to be with. This neutral, feeling-less, robotic mode was actually a relief from the pain I was feeling for so long.

      So, I started dating. That did not go over very well with you. But at that point I was pretty shutdown. I saw your reaction, we sorta ironed it out, and for a moment you had me back. But what I realized quickly was that nothing was truly resolved and the same limbo and pain was returning. That caused me to snap right back, hard and quick.

      It is really difficult to explain the chain of events that followed. It was almost like I was watching a movie, and for any normal person, the movie was pretty good. Little did I know, I was slowly building a fake world for myself to live in. A world that became my prison.

      Shortly after I moved away is when I felt the first REAL thought of “What the fuck did I do”.
      But at that point, I had nothing else and you were gone.

      So here we are, all this time passed. We recently see each other for a minute every once in awhile.
      When I see you my heart still races, my face flushes, and my gut tightens like I was punched.

      This is hard to say but I want to be truthful.
      Recently quite often, out of the blue, when you are not around. I feel you for a moment, a most wonderful feeling, and then I feel you jerk away, it sometimes gives me chills.

      Here are some things to know about me right now.
      I am still scared of being wrong but I’m not afraid to talk about it, but only if I feel your approachable.
      I have recently given you Major hints. It’s ok to give some back or openly talk.
      You might be thinking that I have expectations, I already said I am not trying to blow up your world.

      Here are some things I would like to know from your mouth to my ear if possible.
      Did and/or do you have feelings for me?
      If so, be specific.
      If so, If I would have said something back then, would you have been honest or lied?
      Do you think you are too damaged to be with anyone, if so, try to explain.

      Here are some things I would like to say to you.
      I loved and love you completely, your mind, heart, and soul.

      I do think we could be together but it could be difficult and complex road at first and I think we have a lot to discuss before this is an option.

      D-

      P.S. I am not a great writer, this took two hours and my head hurts. So if things don’t make sense, do your best to translate. 🙂

    2. EmptytpmE
      November 24, 2017 at 6:43 am

      I feel this way too

    3. Me
      November 28, 2017 at 5:49 pm

      K-
      I pretty sure, if you think about it, and listen to your heart, you know. You always knew.
      I do too, but I want to hear it, I need to hear it. Will that ever be possible?
      I know all about the energy, I feel it all the time. Even when you are not around. Always felt it.
      So that energy you feel, yea, that’s me.
      You always look great in my eyes, you always will.
      I know I’m not so casual in a group setting sometimes. It’s because I am trying to control myself.
      All I want to do is grab you and kiss you and yell to everyone that I love you (Yea, I know I’m crazy).

      Until we meet again <3

      D-

    4. T
      December 1, 2017 at 7:20 pm

      RD

      I didn’t write the original post but the response sounds like something I imagine you would say. And yes, I feel your heart, even now, I keep it close by, I won’t let it fade away, it feels so good to feel that kind of love, much like the time you peered into my soul through my eyes, the vibration I felt was amazing but scary at the same time. This has been a struggle for me from the day you passed by me at the table and it felt like the wind blew across my arm to recently when you energetically rammed me in the butt, but not really it only felt like it. And I’m like wow, really? Such power! To think we could be together overwhelms me and excites me just a bit. Only time will tell on that, and yes I’m open to discussion, in fact you’ve already thrown some good ideas at me, because you already know I won’t fill her shoes. I know you know

      TK

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