Dear my ‘Almost,’
Throughout these past two months of grieving the end of something that had barely started, I have come to think many things. I have come to anger, confusion, and pain like I have never known it before. I have been forced for the first time to truly understand what it means to be led on and lied to, then discarded.
I loved you. And you claimed you loved me, perhaps far too early, but I chose to believe you and see if your actions met with your words. For a short while, they did. I saw so much potential in you… in us… and you convinced me you wanted a long term relationship. So imagine my surprise when suddenly one morning the only excuse you can give me is that ‘we might get into an argument in the future.’ That was your only reason for leaving me, wondering if you ever actually cared at all.
I could die in a car crash tomorrow- so I should just never drive again? Your excuse astounds me, and quite frankly, I will not for a moment be convinced it was your actual reason for leaving me behind. Perhaps you fell out of attraction quickly, or some other girl caught your attention. I only wish you had not shielded me with a lie that makes no sense.
I am left to wonder what happened, and how, and when. I am left to wonder how much time I wasted trying to be the best I could for you, to hear you when you were sad, to encourage you and show I truly cared. All of that time I spent hoping you would know how much you meant to me and how much hope I had for us, and you fed into it the entire time, insisting you felt the same.
Now you’re gone. We haven’t directly spoken, at least when it is just the two of us. You speak to me only with others around, fall silent when I walk by, at times watch from a distance. You wanted to stay friends… but I am sick when I see you. Because every time I see your face or hear your voice, I am left to wonder why. And I cannot kill myself with false hope anymore.
I would by lying if I said I didn’t wish you would come back to me, if only to apologize for how you left and to explain yourself. For if a breakup was truly what you needed, I stand by my words from that numbing day: I respect your decision. But I can’t respect how it was done and the fact it feels like so many unanswered questions and lies. I will not forgive you for that. But I will not fight for someone who won’t fight for me.
I miss you. My dreamer of a heart can’t feel otherwise, and I believe for a while I will be unable to date until that pain fades. But I will move on, because I have to. Because I deserve better than ‘maybe.’ I deserve better than someone who didn’t bother to stay or even try. You just quit, and walked away. And while I can say there is still a light on in my heart should you decide to come back… know that it won’t be easy. Because you shattered my trust, and you’d have to spend months earning it back. I just don’t believe you’re strong enough to do that.
Until the day I do not have to see you every day at college… please leave me. Do not try to talk casually to me. You are not my friend. Do not ask me if I am alright, because I can’t let myself believe for an instant that you might actually care. Do not try to play nice. I am done with the games. You wanted to cut me from your life, now you must do so completely, or fix it. But it’s all up to you.
Hate is not something I can feel- so I still wish you well. I wish you peace and all the happiness you can find, and I hope one day you are able to love another completely, and not run away from them at the first sign of struggle. I hope one day the world does not seem so dull to you. I hope one day, you come to appreciate yourself more- because goodness knows you can barely value yourself, let alone others. I still love you. I think, perhaps, that I always will.
I will learn to love again. I will find someone who values me and wants to work with me to build something beautiful. Whether or not this is you, that is your choice. I know I’ll be fine if it is not. I’m setting you free, and I hope for both our sakes, you set me free as well if you have no intentions of mending what you’ve broken. Don’t expect me to be the one to approach you. Your silence has said enough, and I am done with niceties.
Goodbye to the ‘Almost’ that never was, the ‘Maybe’ that could have been. I will wait patiently for my ‘Always’ and ‘Forever.’
The girl you left behind.