• what are your plans ?

    by  • November 20, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Confession • 0 Comments

    last night you called me , it was silent and then you asked ,

    ” how… how do you feel ? like i keep seeing you post on twitter and you know how i always say you’re sending me subliminal messages , yeah well … yeah . How do you feel like about what happened.. uh like how do you feel right now ?” and you seemed so interested and i just sat there we hadn’t had a phone call conversation longer than a minute since the time you called me drunk telling me how I was great and that I didn’t need to have contact with you and that we couldn’t persue whatever it was that we were because you didn’t want there to a mix up in emotions , because you think to much and you miss and care for people who you shouldn’t . you hung up on me that night . i sent you a long message , you never responded to it though , not that i expected you too . a little part of me did . weeks after that you”d get my attention in the hallway , say hi and ask my how i’m doing . I was confused . I sat there though .

    ” Uh , well i feel content right now . I tend just let things go , and be okay with them – ”

    ” no not right now , like how are you feeling about us ,like our situation-ship or whatever . not right now .”

    ” Oh… uh it’s.. whatever , really . I mean I was a little hurt because i thought you were on my mental level . but you know people go through things and i completely understood . ” and then you went on from there . you sounded like you missed me . old me you started writing songs , that you had a few beats that were so perfect . You and I are music heads , we used to make playlist for each other , try and listen to the transition of each song , asked why would put it in certain orders . Mine were always longer , your songs and the reasoning why you added them to the playlist were because they reminded you of someone else , not me . I can’t lie though , some of my mine were someone else too but they could go for our situation too . You went in to talking about how you have to get a new car , and then to how much you could make if you started doing youtube . you told me you noticed how i was getting more , followers , attention and getting noticed by people and instagram . asked about my poetry . i lied and said i’ve been writing but honestly i’ve been drained the whole time we had barely talked . I was beginning to create poems in my head while you were talking though . we talked about why i never bothered to text you anymore , and I was honest , i felt unwanted and i knew you didn’t really want to talk to me . and you sounded hurt as you question what i had said . i shrugged it off though because we knew it was true maybe . i said something about how my room changed ,and you laughed . you never seen my room before but we had spent fall break planning for you to come see it . it was a weird thing between us . you moved a little over the line , and then you breathed and said , ” Im gonna come and sleep over at your house , what time does your mom leave for work ? ” and then i thought an I found myself smiling because it was like we never stopped talking , like you didn’t call me drunk , like you didn’t avoid contact with me , and i shrugged ” 7 something .”

    ” my families going out of town.. to Atlanta for thanksgiving , i’m going to be at the house by myself , no thanksgiving or none of that sadly . I think i can come over Wednesday , because i don’t ruin anything you got going on that day , and i think – ” you stubbled on your words a little but continued ” my ex , well yeah she might come slide down .” and then it was quiet . I had no clue who she was but i had an idea and i swallowed down the vomit that formed in my mouth and i nodded . ” that’s cool , i think we could make something work . Then you started talking about how it’s nothing serious between you two , how you guys haven’t had sex or anything like that . you told me how you always let her know you don’t know what you want and stuff . I said i don’t talk to anyone , no one sparks my interest and i don’t think you believed me . you asked me to keep things PG when you came over though . You said , ” I want you to be hella comfortable , like as if i wasn’t there . you could come open the door – and i mean this in the most modest way ever – in your panties and bra and I walk right past you , because i’m so focused on just your room , the path to your room and the bed . you know ? so when i come over act normal , make it like any other day of you waking up in the morning . Don’t throw the energy off though , or else i’ll wanna leave .” and I agreed and we began talking about music again and it kept coming back to your head and even though i hated the fact that you were messing with someone or really just chilling with them , i still somehow got your mind off track and one thing lead to another and we were being completely honest , and we began talking about the connection we had , it was a strong connection , you told me how only one other person made you feel like this . how you can spot me out of the whole crowd of students in the hallway , that you pay attention to me , and you feel me and my energy before i even show up around a corner . i loved it so much . we were being completely honest . i turned into talking about sex , i didn’t mind . I told you how i hadn’t really been interested in though of it in general lately and you agreed , and then you asked if i sexually attracted to you , you had put me on the spot . and then you said ” I have to be the fifth person you have sex with . ” and i said okay . i seen you talking with some girl today and i’m not sure why it bothered me . I kinda got sad , but i expected it . I hope you don’t call me tonight .

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