• How does it feel Joseph

    by  • November 17, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    Tell me how it feels now knowing the truth? Was it really worth knowing?

    I feel like you have been on attack mode because of what you actually believed to be the truth. Do you realize how much that has hurt? I feel like everything that happened did so for certain reasons. I never intended for you to question yourself because of my actions. I intended for you to stay safe and do what makes you happy. Which you did so how am I the one that deserves this?

    You have no idea how I feel about you. Nobody does. There were reasons for keeping it this way. I figured if life happened in a better way that maybe I would be able to inform you when timing was right. I did not want any additional people to be involved in our potential.

    Having you here has hit me from both directions. We both know I am strong and don’t go down when being hit but my God I am so confused on what to think about all this. Part of me is happy as hell and the other part just hurts.

    You know you have had every opportunity to confront me. You finding me is and remains a hell a lot easier than me finding you. I would never intrude on your life but if you seriously needed to know you should have talked to me.

    This may be the actual only time in my life I am without words. All I can tell you is that I liked it better when I kept all this inside and had you locked inside my head. Random memories striking throughout my life has made me happy. Not understanding why you are here hurts.

    When I met you we both had baggage. You were separated and living alone and I was in escape mode in search of a new safe life. I am not certain but I think you have been married a few times now. Probably currently are. So knowing you are here makes me wonder who you are writing about. Are you just like all the other people writing to lovers and exes and whoever else? Why? It hurts to see you in that light. It breaks apart what you have been to me for about 16 years or so.

    I have always believed that you were the one guy that got away and I have always gone back to that thought. I have beat myself up over the fact that I was even in my situation and that it prevented my own happiness. I destroyed myself when I walked away and created a prison in my head where I placed you.

    Please don’t be that guy. Don’t be that guy that is married and misses and loves other people while being married. Give all of that to her. I don’t agree with cheating and I am against affairs. Please don’t be that guy because I would much rather see you fully happy living your life than know that all of everything I have held inside for all these years was a complete waste in thought because in the end the guy is someone I cannot respect.

    I am a positive person so I cannot say or wish anything bad for you. I cannot say that I have sat around waiting on you or anything like that because it would be a huge lie. I cannot say that I am unhappy because that would be a lie. I have found complete happiness in my freedom. I cannot say that I regret things in my life because that would be a lie too. Had I not gone through that crazy messed up relationship and been treated horribly I would have never left it and been given the chance to meet an amazing person like you. I cannot say that I don’t love you or that I would not want to see you ever again because that would be the biggest lie I have ever told. I will always love you and I will always want to see you given the right circumstance.

    My confusion has created such doubt about you. I liked it better when you were perfect to me. I think I am just going to hang on to that because all these other thoughts really suck!


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