I’ve been writing letters here, about my husband and our situation, and my feelings on everything.
I’m a very affectionate person. I have a lot of love to give. I like feeling needed. Make it worse, I’m attracted to bath – and my husband, as much as I feel the way I do, he’s just beautiful. A real piece of eye candy. So, it makes it worse when I get at him – because I immediately want to love him and shower him with affection. He’s laying beside me sleeping now. His body is warm. His lips are always perfect.
But I have to hold back, because I’m too much for him.
But I’ve been thinking…
I look at pictures of these children… And my maternal instinct is so real. My step daughter – when I could see her, I took such delight in her. How the world is so new to her, how she is so energetic and full of life – as much as she tires me out. But I can’t love her like I would my own, because she isn’t my own (that, and her mother is.. A different story).
I think if I had a child, someone who I could love and give affection to – someone who needs that attention, and needs me – I think that would be good.
Just not sure of it would be good for my marriage.
I don’t think my husband wants children.. He never, ever talks about them. And it seems I must suffer, because he already has one (who he barely sees anyway, because of the mom).
I guess that’s fine though, because I’m not sure if he’s mature enough. And I wouldn’t want to have any kids from him that he isn’t happy about.
Sometimes I wish he was someone else. Or that maybe certain other aspects of his personality were stronger. But I’m stuck.
I’m not sure if I’ll have children.
Maybe I’ll ask him tomorrow. Maybe I’ll confront him, and somehow tell him all of these feelings. But it never feels like the right time.
But I don’t know. I don’t think he’d see it from my perspective anyway.