With you, I have to remind myself of a lot of things.
I have to remind myself that you have absolutely no clue what I need from you. You have no idea how to be there for me. You don’t understand me, on a fundamental level, why I react to certain things the way I do. Its not your fault, you just don’t understand men.
I have to remind myself that you are the most important thing in your world. And by a significant margin. What is important to me will never be anything but a trivial concern to you. My feelings don’t really matter, as long as you’re getting what you want. Its not your fault, you just see relationships very differently than I do.
I have to remind myself that you are obsessed with control. That your manipulations and schemes are just a natural byproduct of your driving passion. That caring about someone for you means controlling how they behave. That when you arent in control, you act like a child. Its not your fault, blah blah blah bullshit excuse I cant even come up with now.
I have to remind myself that you hate men. That the things you do to me are subconsciously guided by your desire to hurt men. My pain serves the ultimate goal of making you happy, which I guess makes me a masochist. But that’s just all been engrained in you deep down by other men in your life who’ve done you wrong, so how can I complain about you passing it on back to me?
Most of all, I have to remind myself that you are pathologically incapable of true remorse. An apology is simply a device to return to the status quo. Guilt is a weapon to use against others. Fool me a thousand times, what a fucking surprise. Its not your….
Yes, it is your fault. I accept the mistakes I’ve made, but the difference is I actually try to be better and not make them again. I try to be patient with you and not lose my temper. I remind myself of all these bullshit excuses I’ve concocted on your behalf, so I can justify still loving you after the way you have and continue to treat me. You, you have made the same mistakes over and over and over and your apologies, if they can even be called that, ring absolutely hollow now. You don’t actually feel bad about anything you say or do. You feel bad that I’m upset with you or not providing you with the attention you feel you deserve.
Honestly, what’s the fucking point of all this? How has anything ever changed between us? I am literally watching my life flitter away in front of my eyes while you’re doing God knows what. I cant count on you for support or affection or anything a man should reasonably be able to expect from his girlfriend. Do you even care? What do I have to do to make any kind of impact in your little universe where I must just seem like such a small speck of dirt? What do I have to do for you to actually give a damn about me or treat me with the respect I deserve?
Why do I keep making myself believe it will ever be any different than how its always been?