• Working through some thoughts

    by  • November 8, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Thoughts • 2 Comments

    Was I destined to be alone?

    For whatever reason, I’ve always wanted to be married – have a family. My whole life, I grew up chasing the love of men. I don’t know what I thought, or it’s too many thoughts, why I did that.

    Now I’m married, and I see that it was pointless. Not sure if I really feel much better now than I did before.

    I married someone who didn’t make my heart burn, at least not the way I expected it to. I don’t feel fulfilled, or creative, at least how I was in past relationships.

    I don’t sing anymore. I don’t dance anymore. I stopped doing those things when I met you, when I was with you, because I thought you’d think it was stupid. I knew you wouldn’t understand that, my creativity, that side of me. So I stopped.
    And I also think I was right, because I’ve tried to show you things or open up in certain ways, and you didn’t understand. You didn’t even try. You didn’t see the point.
    I think you also thought it was boring.

    Now we’re 2 years in. We even have a car. Yet, I still find myself thinking, “did we make the right choice?”

    Today, I asked you to pump the gas for the car. I swore I thought I’d seen you do it in the past (and in my mind, for whatever reason, that’s something I think a man should do anyway). You told me no, you didn’t know how. I swore I thought I saw you do it before, and you got upset and told me to shut up.

    Really? Was that response necessary?

    I’m sure you’ve forgotten about it, but I haven’t.

    Do you know that I’ve started crying now, at night when you’re sleeping? Although I preach to others, “communicate, communicate!”, I don’t exactly know how to express all of this to you, what I’ve been working through. And I feel that if I did, it wouldn’t be taken in a good way. I don’t think you’d understand.

    Do you know that I have these weird dreams, of smoking and doing things I’d l never do? No. You don’t. And you wouldn’t care to know anyway. Dreams don’t mean anything to you.

    Do you notice that I kiss you less? Maybe. But that’s on purpose. You’re probably relieved. I’m sure you’ve been hoping and praying that I’d turn down that affectionate side of me. Don’t worry, I have now.

    I need to remember, remind myself, not to ask you for anything. Not to ask for your help. It’s usually a hassle for you. And I do it better when I do it myself anyway.

    It seems it’s not much better than when I was by myself…

    Whatever happens, I’ll never trust a man like this again. I know better now.

    2 Responses to Working through some thoughts

    1. :(
      November 8, 2017 at 2:48 pm

      This makes me sad.

    2. Britney
      November 17, 2017 at 12:27 pm

      Sad completely. I understand that you are getting your thoughts out here so I don’t want to be judgmental about how you are feeling but I do want to mention a few things.

      First lets take the marriage part out of the equation……please note that in any relationship you should never feel the need to be someone other than yourself. When you feel like being yourself would be viewed badly by your partner that is telling you something right there. The person you are with should add positive things into who you are not take away from who you are.

      Secondly, it is normal to have some doubts and fears in all aspects of your life not just in your relationship. Just because you are questioning your decisions does not necessarily mean that you made the wrong decisions. NOBODY HAS LIFE ALL FIGURED OUT. That is where the questions come into play.

      Third, I kind of am hoping that you live in a place that other forms of transportation exist (bus, taxi, metro…) because the fact that you are with any person that does not know how to pump gas is quite alarming. Keep in mind this is coming from a person that drives daily and would not survive if I did not know how. Also please don’t gender assign tasks in the relationship. That is so very outdated. I would be offended if my man didn’t allow me freedom to pump my gas. I also would be offended if he didn’t clean or cook ever. Relationships are healthiest when both people take on all aspects together and not divide and conquer. I guess I see it like this…I as a single person work. I pay my own bills. I cut my own grass. I buy my own groceries. I cook my own meals. I work on my own car unless its something major. Now when a man comes along I don’t intend for him to take over the things I must do in life. I am not going to say “the grass and the car are now your jobs” You need to understand that all these things must be taken care of regardless if you have a man. Allow him to help you if he chooses and if not move on and do it yourself. There is nothing wrong with both of you sharing the responsibility. The only way it proves wrong is when each person does not pull their weight. Each needs to be contributing something into the relationship and the responsibilities.

      Lastly, don’t hold back affection because you are hurt that your person doesn’t do things differently when you have not only held in your feelings but not communicated them correctly. Love them. Talk to them.
      Don’t become some jaded girl that says she is never going to trust a man again. You will and you should. All men are not the same regardless what people say. I bet once you actually talk to him the both of you will be on the same page.

      PS.. the next time he tells you that he has never pumped gas and doesn’t know how I hope you tell him to get out of the car because today is his lucky day to learn.

      Good luck! I am glad you wrote your letter. Holding all that inside is harming. I hope things improve author.

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