Was I destined to be alone?
For whatever reason, I’ve always wanted to be married – have a family. My whole life, I grew up chasing the love of men. I don’t know what I thought, or it’s too many thoughts, why I did that.
Now I’m married, and I see that it was pointless. Not sure if I really feel much better now than I did before.
I married someone who didn’t make my heart burn, at least not the way I expected it to. I don’t feel fulfilled, or creative, at least how I was in past relationships.
I don’t sing anymore. I don’t dance anymore. I stopped doing those things when I met you, when I was with you, because I thought you’d think it was stupid. I knew you wouldn’t understand that, my creativity, that side of me. So I stopped.
And I also think I was right, because I’ve tried to show you things or open up in certain ways, and you didn’t understand. You didn’t even try. You didn’t see the point.
I think you also thought it was boring.
Now we’re 2 years in. We even have a car. Yet, I still find myself thinking, “did we make the right choice?”
Today, I asked you to pump the gas for the car. I swore I thought I’d seen you do it in the past (and in my mind, for whatever reason, that’s something I think a man should do anyway). You told me no, you didn’t know how. I swore I thought I saw you do it before, and you got upset and told me to shut up.
Really? Was that response necessary?
I’m sure you’ve forgotten about it, but I haven’t.
Do you know that I’ve started crying now, at night when you’re sleeping? Although I preach to others, “communicate, communicate!”, I don’t exactly know how to express all of this to you, what I’ve been working through. And I feel that if I did, it wouldn’t be taken in a good way. I don’t think you’d understand.
Do you know that I have these weird dreams, of smoking and doing things I’d l never do? No. You don’t. And you wouldn’t care to know anyway. Dreams don’t mean anything to you.
Do you notice that I kiss you less? Maybe. But that’s on purpose. You’re probably relieved. I’m sure you’ve been hoping and praying that I’d turn down that affectionate side of me. Don’t worry, I have now.
I need to remember, remind myself, not to ask you for anything. Not to ask for your help. It’s usually a hassle for you. And I do it better when I do it myself anyway.
It seems it’s not much better than when I was by myself…
Whatever happens, I’ll never trust a man like this again. I know better now.