• So very close and yet………

    by  • November 8, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 12 Comments

    To my muse,

    I don’t even think you venture here anymore but here I is again spouting about my hearts desire.
    It has been ridiculously difficult not to venture by just to see you and oh so briefly hold you but I have. I am so damn close but only in miles and I think seeing you just makes it more confusing for me anyhow. I wish I had your view of us, as it would be far easier to be able to think of you in a chum sort of way as opposed to being in so many of my thoughts and dreams. I kind of envy that and wish I had been a lot more forward thinking before I got to the point I got to. It’s not so much that I feel differently towards you but I am trying to limit my thinking of you and have definitely fought the urge to stop by and muddy up things yet again.
    Man oh man do I wish I had put the brakes on earlier and not been such a mess, again not for you but about you. I appreciate the soft touch you used but really wish it had not been needed. So I guess this is an apology for being such an old teenager and foolish man who probably made discomfort a normal feeling for you. I also apologize for assumptions made and beliefs created, amazing what a mind can conjure up isn’t it?
    So I write this with a lot of visions still adrift and a kind of sorrow accepted for the truth I must stare at. You will always be a part of me, even if it was of my own writing and imagination. I hope and pray all your dreams come true and wish you nothing but happiness in all you do. I am so sorry for being me sometimes. Forgive me please.


    12 Responses to So very close and yet………

    1. T
      November 9, 2017 at 5:50 pm

      This can’t be him, because he said he would fix it because it’s still happening and he figured out I feel it too. I’ve been giddy ever since, seeing all the signs that he really is madly in love with me, this has become reality now,,, I’m waiting, wishing, hoping he does indeed fix it and without the dreaded drama I’ve been trying so hard to avoid. But he knows now, I know and now I will trust and wait for my knight to rescue me… patience is a virtue

    2. @ Jason
      November 10, 2017 at 8:47 am

      It’s always inspiring and enjoyable to read your heartfelt letters to Cindy. Hope you both are well!

    3. Jason
      November 11, 2017 at 3:10 pm

      I’m glad someone enjoys them

      • snide
        November 14, 2017 at 4:04 pm

        I didn’t know you were still writing
        But it was great seeing you
        Please stop by anytime

        Miss you jh

    4. snide
      November 14, 2017 at 4:01 pm

      I don’t know why I looked here
      I just did
      Glad I saw this
      I wish you would just stop by
      I did forget the first 3 numbers I was suppose to remember
      Can you text my cell??
      Send email to pppl?
      Miss you JH

    5. Cindy+Jason
      November 18, 2017 at 3:25 pm

      Such a true love story!

    6. Jason
      November 21, 2017 at 5:44 am

      Hey there beautiful,

      I know I won’t be turned away from stopping by but that won’t mean I’m particularly wanted either. You would never close a door in my mug but that does not equate to welcoming it either.
      I’m still working on the friend thing, a lifetime of fantasizing can’t make a u-turn that quickly without crashing. I’m working it out kiddo but it may not be in this lifetime. Love and miss you Cin.

      • J+C
        November 28, 2017 at 4:35 pm


    7. Me
      November 27, 2017 at 3:49 am

      It was a love story seen through cloudy eyes and only one pair of them to boot. In reality it is just one of countless sad accidents we pass by on our drive through life. I’m not sure what numbers your talking about kid but in the long run it won’t change a thing so here is the only refuge I have. That in itself is pretty pathetic on my part. I hope you enjoyed the holiday Cin and hope your future plans are coming together for you. You are a daily vision in my mind.


      • C=J=C=J=C=J
        December 4, 2017 at 6:31 am

        We are Love.
        Just love, nothing more, or less.
        Love is what it’s all about.
        In the end that’s all that will have mattered.
        True Love is eternal.
        It is your cosmic, non-worldly legacy, and forever lasting as a positive energy, reverberating endlessly thru the universe.
        The suffering we are experiencing now will be meaningless, though worthwhile, but forgotten.

        • Lost on lifes path
          December 6, 2017 at 5:35 am

          A path is only a path if it has borders and a terminus. Love is only love if it is expressed in thought , desire, and the reciprocity of these emotions. That return is the completion of the circle and this will forever be a C and not an O.

    8. Jason everlasting
      December 1, 2017 at 7:08 am

      This story is nearly 50 years in its writing. A heart captured, inadvertently, and without a place to rest has now developed a layer of scar tissue too deep to penetrate. Love story? Absolutely yes. Tragedy? One of my own construction and expansion. I have bared all through the years here and whether the posts are demonstrations of desire or manifestations of complex despair, they are all me. Nobody here is alone in their feelings and I have taken refuge here as a vent for the thoughts and feelings I share nowhere else, because I simply can’t. Of course I know this is wrong on every level and if I could rewind time to change my hearts direction, I am now unsure that I wouldn’t. I could not say that prior because I had wrongly made this a two way street and had removed all the realities of my life to fit my hearts tale. What is the moral of our collective stories? Humanity is still alive, poets are in greater numbers than ever thought, love is not an aberration of a mind off kilter, the strength of that emotion can quickly become an equally powerful hate destroying all at ground zero, and we are all capable of tending to and healing our own self- inflicted wounds. Unrequited love can be devestating but it is also the genesis of self realization and freedom of bonds we relinquish to another, even if they don’t want them. I have come to that realization, and although very sad in its discovery, it can and will allow me to move along within my real world. The outside is an ugly and daunting place but will remain that way as long as we are ensnared in our self laid snares. I think we must choose to draw our knives and cut the bonds we have tied. Cindy never planted mines, I did. She never guided my steps towards them, I did. Cindy’s love for me is one of friendship not passion or desire. These were constructs of my fertile imagination left unchecked. We do go back decades but there was a 30 year disconnect where we lived entire lives without any contact and there is where I came off the rails. I filled in the blanks by misinterpreting just about everything I could and rewriting history for my convienance. I ran away from my reality, when it was dark, and composed a new reality which did not and will not ever be. A boys heart pumping in an old guys chest can be intoxicating but very dangerous if left to run. Admitting my complete altering of reality was not and is not an easy task but it is essential to moving forward to any semblance of normality. I hope this helps someone in pain, if so then it is not a total wreck.

    Leave a Reply