• Love lost

    by  • November 8, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Divorce • 0 Comments

    How pathetic am I? After 4 in the morning and I’m messaging your old facebook just to say things I feel without actually telling you. I’ve gone through our old messages, screen shot a lot of them to save because they make me feel good. I want you to know you have been the best thing to happen to me. You’re the kindest person to ever enter my life. When I became your wife after TEN years of being just friends it was a dream. We didn’t need a fancy wedding. I didn’t need a dress. I just needed you. I still need you. So much it hurts. You give the best hugs in the world. You speak. So kindly to others. I married my best friend, my Dannyboy. Yes, it was MY idea to move to Georgia so you can be closer to your family. It was MY idea to leave my home and jobs to try and make you happy. But somehow I lost that reasoning after the move. I thought I missed my life there. I became bitter and distant. I took it out on you, my Dannyboy. I realized a little too late what I was doing. Biggest fuck up of my life. I unwittingly drove you away. If I could change it I would but unfortunately time machines haven’t been invented yet. I had been in terrible abusive relationships before you, beat to the point of more hospital visits than I can remember. Raped by people I was in a relationship with. But I can tell you that this hurts so much worse. You were and still are a godsend. Always there for me, always comforting,always sweet, always YOU. I can’t apologize enough for letting myself become like that. Words do nothing and actions are what matters. I didn’t live up to my vows. And that day two weeks ago when I woke up and suddenly realized what I’ve become, I remember calling you and telling you how happy I am and how much I love you, I meant it with every fiber of my being. But it was too late, you asked for a divorce a week later. I’m crushed, I cry every night once I know my son is asleep and can’t hear me. If I feel the urge and can’t contain it I get in the car and drive somewhere I can let it all out without anyone noticing. Yes, pathetic. You will never get this, I know. But maybe one day this can be shared with you. I don’t know. You deserve the best and more. You have an amazing heart and I hurt it. I have to live with this and that kills me. You work so hard all day every day to make sure everyone is taken care of and don’t ask for anything in return. My hope is one day you can stop, enjoy life instead of ALWAYS being on the road driving that truck that you have to sleep in every single night just to cover bills. I know its what you must do but you deserve better. You deserve to be able to be with your family, not just kill yourself working to provide for them. I missed you every day you were gone and I believe that may have been why I just shut down. I was newly married to my best friend, dropped my whole life to move here and then never saw you. I didn’t handle it right. Please find your happy Dannyboy, you more than anyone I’ve ever met deserve it. I don’t know if I see you again but if I do I have one request although undeserved,… A hug, just one, you give the best hugs!
    P.S.- I took one of your shirts, it helps me sleep. You left it here anyway but you won’t ever know will you? You won’t know any of this. I love you, have loved you since we met many years ago. Stay safe.

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