• Sad, depressed and feelin crapy

    by  • November 7, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Family Stuff • 0 Comments

    I write poems to express my feelings. I’m not saying there any good, it just seems to come out in a poem format. Just so u all understand, there;s not much anyone can do for me. I’m on disability for bi=polar, depression, suicide attempts and PTSD. My wife loves me this I already know, but I feel I have let her down. I’m 49 yrs old and really haven’t accomplished much in my life. Back in the early 90’s, I was unfortunate enough to become hooked on crack. I spent some time in prison for steeling a car to try and get some. I spent about 9 months in prison for that little fiasco and came out a clean honest person. I was tricked into smoking crack and at the time, I didn’t know I had an addictive personality. But like I said, I did overcome that addiction. Back then, I was in my late 20’s. Today, I’m 49 yrs. old and I guess my disabilities started showing up in my 30’s. We have 2 boy’s, 26 and 28 now. My youngest son has mental disabilities also. Pretty much the same as me. He is also on disability. My oldest son got into a work accident when he was 19 and lost his leg above the knee. We don’t talk anymore cause he hates me for some reason or another. I guess he blames me for his problems. Not the accident. My wife, God bless her, has stuck by me through it all and we love each other dearly. I believe her family would become a lot closer to her if I weren’t around. Really, I can’t blame them. I’ve dragged her down with me.
    Obviously there’s a lot to my story that I’m not writing about. But I don’t want to be writing for days, possibly weeks. So…Maybe this better understands how I’m feeling

    Family Is Everything:
    I thought that I was happy, but apparently I’m not
    My family I have broken
    Is it my fault or not
    Of course it is, you silly man
    U untied them like a knot
    Death is not the end of things
    families can repair
    So now that I am gone
    I hope you clear the air
    For I was holding u back
    Now there’s no dispare

    I tend to do an awful lot of crying. I guess that’s my depression, idk. This sounds a little stupid, and I’m not asking for sympathy, but I don’t have any friends. Nobody I can or want to talk to about this stuff. I guess that’s how I found this site. I was gonna write a random person and mail a letter to um with all this stuff, but then I thought that was dumb. So, here I sit. Typing away in my own crap.
    Another poem I guess

    I feel that death is knocking
    Waiting on me to end
    I believe if I were gone
    Life would begin again
    A man with no furture
    No not a man at all
    I wait on things to be
    But it’s never gonna happen
    This I simply see
    When can I come home, GOD
    I’m tired and disconcerned
    I really need to go
    This much I have learned
    I sit around and wonder
    Will I leave today
    The sun goes down in the west
    Yet I live another day
    Still here life goes on
    It’d be better if death would hurry
    Hurry up upon
    My family would join together
    Tight as we once were
    With me not in this world
    GOD, I believe they’d find the words

    I just feel so….SHITTY
    I think I’ll stop for now.

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