I refuse to let myself like anyone. I push the feelings away. Deep down, I know I will be alone forever, yet dying in secret to find the one. You won’t see it, or know it. I will be confident on the outside; scared on the inside.
What got me this way? Maybe it is my fault – maybe I am just a simple slut. Easy and simple. Part of me believes this, part of me still fights against it, and part of me knows that it plays a role.
No one cares enough to stay. All anyone wants is just the one thing. Sex.
I think I broke when I finally tried. I liked you. I couldn’t tell if you were scared, or didn’t know what to do. I convinced myself that was it. You weren’t experienced, and when we cuddled it felt right. We were honest with each other. I had you tied to my pinky finger, I knew how to get you to me. I felt comfortable with you. We understood each other’s humor and my friends saw it too. I kept playing all the positives over in my head. You were a virgin, I knew that. I knew that you were awkward and I was scared to admit that “the feels” were there. That’s why it never advanced.
The bad signs were there as well. I chose to think the positives outweighed them. I was wrong. I never had your number. We weren’t actual friends on Facebook, for some reason. I know that I requested it a long time ago and you denied it. I never tried again. I was scared. I didn’t want to confirm it. Once in a while, it did come up. The awkward what are you expecting from this? I let you answer first always, because I didn’t want to be honest and be stupid. How could I be so stupid?
I have to be honest. You weren’t the most attractive. Girls weren’t swooning over you, but I liked you. Was I not attractive enough? How could that be? You couldn’t do better, so I must have a chance. That was a common though. Contributing to it all.
I wanted to believe someone would truly want me. Not just casually finding a man. Someone cared. Why didn’t you care?
Finally it happened; sex. It was awful. Clearly I finally got your virginity, I doubt that anyone else did anyway. I never asked. College was over. Maybe the time had come.
You came to my house. The first time I ever had a boy over like that. Then before I knew it you were gone.I ignored that too.
I went to your house. I saw personal things that no one else really knew or saw before. I convinced myself that maybe these are all good signs. I still kept quiet.
I needed someone to vent to. I reached out. You were there. Again, I thought this could be a good sign. Boy was I wrong. I told you flat out nothing could happen that night. Yet you still drove me around looking for a dark place. I got annoyed. I had to pee. I said take me back. You refused. You got on top of me, and when I wasn’t having it, asked me what was wrong. I told you, I had to pee. Take me back. You finally caved, or I thought you did. You took me to a hospital. Told me to pee there. I did. You know what else I did? I cried. I balled on the phone to my friend. I felt like shit. I knew I didn’t matter. You were just like the rest. Like people I don’t know; one night stands. You were supposed to care even a little more. I called an uber and ran away.
You finally called me for the first time; not messenger. I answered. I told you how shitty you made me feel. It was a long phone call. Honest conversation. I still pushed that I was more mad about making me feel like trash, when I was equally mad to finally know you didn’t want me. I asked again. You said we were friends with benefits. It hurt. I told you there is no way we were friends, you never reach out first. You didn’t qualify as a friend. It was true, I was just finally being honest with myself. I told you, not to expect me to ever again. Your apologies meant nothing. I meant nothing.
You know what is the most stupid thing? I still can’t get over that you never felt anything more. I still think sometimes you were lying to yourself. I’ll never tell you that.
I wish that you didn’t affect me so much. We didn’t date, we weren’t in love, yet my heart still feels broken. I vowed never to let that happen again.
If I couldn’t get him, a chubby not outwardly attractive to everyone asshole guy, to like me, who the fuck would?
Now, I just don’t try. I know it won’t happen. Just be the cool girl, down to just be friends, or well acquaintances, with benefits. The pain you caused is a reminder to me not to bother to attempt getting close, they only want one thing. So yeah, if I am down then OK, but I know not to expect more.
Then I think did I miss out on a chance. Use “bro” too much, when I know I would like someone? Could that be why someone else isn’t going to work out? Is that why this time its again only the one thing? Possibly. But then again, why would anyone want more. I am not even that attractive so I am baffled by why you even want that from me. It a vicious circle in my head.
I began to see it more. Men, what is this whole “friends with benefits?” I have had friends lead to benefits, and then any time you want to hang out the end result is to get the benefit. Not to be around your “friend.” No, I don’t want anything more with those “friends” but I wish that once in a while I do not feel obligated to end the time with benefits.
Then there is the “friend” who only reaches out at night. Yeah, no. Go F yourself. Let’s visit this “friend’s” story. It started summer senior year. I asked you to help fix my DVD player, I honestly was hoping you knew how. You clearly came over for something else. Honestly, I never was attracted to you, sorry but its true. So how did it get this way? I figured I would give it a tiny shot. We made out. I was not having it, you were. I know you asked me to do more, and honestly I don’t remember if that day I did. I was stupid for not saying it, but I didn’t want to hurt your feelings. Again just me being stupid and scared/nervous I guess. From then on, you felt like you had this right to do what you wanted. I would say things like you are you, my “friend.” We carpooled together. It wasn’t a big deal, we were going to the same place – but you made me feel obligated. You would do what you wanted, put your hands on me when you drove. Even decided to randomly make out with me in a 2 second elevator ride. We weren’t anything, I remember you saying something about how I got the rides for free. I felt obligated so I let it happen. I had to get something from you or give you something one night and met you in the hallway. I guess it was another scheme to try and fuck me. You just came on to me, kept saying lets do it, putting your hands on me and moving up against me. I used the whole, someone will see and just wriggled my way out. Senior night. I had nothing to do and you didn’t either. Came into my hotel room to “hang out.” Next thing I know I’m on my stomach, you pulled down my pants a little and your dick is touching my ass, saying let me stick it in just a little. I couldn’t think straight, what was going on? I starting saying how someone will walk in. You kept edging me on.I figured might as well let it happen, probably will at some point. I think mainly I didn’t know if I said no if you would leave at that point. So i said “fine.” It almost happened, but then I guess you came to your senses. Fast forward to out of college. You live close by ask to hang out. I remember at one point my friend saying that maybe I should give him a try, maybe something could come of it. I thought well maybe we could keep this above board? Wrong again. I know that one time we hung out, and we talked about it. I still couldn’t admit it. Definitely not to your face in your car. Again you reached out and I agreed to hang out. I know I didn’t want to once again, but I felt bad. How do I say I’m not attracted to you, especially at this point. I guess I get it in my head maybe I will try it, I never know. It happened. Whiskey dick sober? I felt the most unattractive I have ever felt. I drew the line. Next time you hit me up, I ghosted. I blocked you from my Snapchat story, so you wouldn’t have bait to hit me up. After that I figured you wouldn’t try again. Randomly you did, again asking to hang out at night alone. I responded because you asked if I was mad at you. I said I was busy and never reached back out. I don’t want to deal with this anymore.
So there are “good men?” Well, maybe, but something is so viciously wrong with me that apparently they don’t like me.
I have myself to blame in this. I am stupid. I am slutty. I didn’t speak up. So how can I really blame these people.
Regardless, I just can’t trust anyone anymore.