• I’m complicated

    by  • October 6, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 9 Comments

    I’m sorry I’m so complicated. You deserve so much more than me. I really don’t understand why you think you’re in like with me. I’m nothing special you know that. If I’m honest I don’t know how i feel about you. I do have love for you but because of so many years of friendship, but romantically… I’m not sure.
    You’re everything I thought i wanted and needed, but i can’t let you completely in. I feel it won’t be enough and I will leave. I feel horrible for not liking you back. Im sorry I’m trying…

    I’m sorry for being so complicated.

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    9 Responses to I’m complicated

    1. ME
      October 6, 2017 at 7:00 pm

      K-
      You could let me in a little, maybe even a kiss.
      I need a signal that its ok. Something I wont misunderstand.
      I want to try, I understand you are complicated.

      Give me a shot damn it, I know the risks.
      D-




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    2. ME
      October 6, 2017 at 10:06 pm

      K-
      I will never forget the way you looked at me when you were walking out that door and saw me in my truck.
      I saw the smile you tried to hide and I felt the energy when we walked up to each other. We could have kissed right fucking there!

      When you say “I’m nothing special” it really makes me mad, it’s a bullshit excuse put on by fear.
      Things I do believe:
      You are really scared (Me too)
      You are not happy with the lack of love in your life.
      You are worried what other people will think (Me too)
      You are worried you will tire of me or me of you…. well you haven’t so far.
      You are worried we will fail.

      As for you not loving me, I call bullshit.
      Years ago I believed you didn’t love me and that it was all in my head. So I pursued someone else, someone I should not even have pursued. By the time I figured out I was wrong about how you felt, it was too late. Then every time I saw you after that, I could read the heartbreak all over you. Nobody else could, but I could.

      You probably wonder why I love you after all this time, well it’s out of my control.
      I admit, when I first met you years ago I was blown over by how attractive you were, you were and are fucking HOT!
      But I also learned very quickly what was in your head and your heart. I learned what made you tick and I was enchanted and fell in love. I also thought I noticed you picking up on my feelings and giving tiny indications they were welcome feelings. But nothing substantial and we both know why we could not communicate easily. After years of trying I was going crazy and my brain gave up, but my heart never did.
      And when I see you now, my heart and brain feel like we were never apart, just like they did years ago.
      Even if we never happen, my feelings for you will never change.

      You don’t need to let me completely in, at least not at first. I know you have had that door in your head closed and locked since the day you discovered its existence, even before me. The door in my head was not wide open either. I ask you, please find the keys that unlocks that door and open it, if only just a crack.

      This does not have to move fast. We can start by seeing each other every once in awhile like we do now, but without all the walls up and doors locked in our heads.

      I know the next few lines sound corny, but they are real thoughts to me.
      I want to gaze into your eyes until we can see each others soul.
      I want to feel your lips against mine.
      And finally, when the moment is right, I want to lay beside you.
      You might be worried about intimacy, don’t be. Nothing bad is going to happen.

      I love you,
      D-




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    3. Over and out
      October 7, 2017 at 9:21 pm

      You must genuinely be Sorry anyways something doesn’t work out always.If you couldn’t make your mind you won’t be able to fix ever.Somethings are better to be left the way it is.
      I tried only to be left broken now am tired nothing more I want to say…




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      • Me
        October 9, 2017 at 2:10 pm

        K-
        You know, I did make up my mind back then. You were my first choice by far but I was forced to pick another choice, a bad one. I went with my second choice because I was losing my mind waiting. I think my messages were clear but messages back from you were not, at least not to me. In the end, I really thought I was nuts, that it was all in my head, so I gave up and forced myself to believe it was in my head. After the first move out and back in, I thought it was going to be different, some progress, but there wasn’t. I was not expecting to go public, I was just hoping for communication, confirmation, or something. There were politics in the way, I know that. I rarely saw you after the second move out, but I noticed the pain in your eyes when I did see you. I thought “what have I done”…..

        I hid my pain behind a fake smile for many years, waiting for the pain to subside. It never did and I do not think it ever will.

        Fast forward to now, I don’t know if you are punishing me, never going to trust me or anyone again, just fucking scared, or I’m still fucking crazy with this shit only in my head.
        I don’t know if knowing the truth from you will help me heal, but I think it might. Even if the truth is going to hurt.
        I don’t know if its possible to reboot us but for me there is a possibility we can, it is a difficult task with all the politics and distance, but still possible.
        I think of you every day. I shower and cry my eyes out.

        Can I at least know the truth?

        D-




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    4. EmptytpmE
      October 8, 2017 at 2:25 am

      ???? not sure…. well that sucks




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    5. A
      October 9, 2017 at 9:53 am

      Weird …. and complicated ?!




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    6. Me
      October 10, 2017 at 7:48 am
    7. Whatever
      October 12, 2017 at 1:22 pm

      Do not try to predict what I am thinking or feeling. It is quite annoying. I have lost everyone. I do not know if I will recover. I work on it everyday though.
      Intellectualization is a defense mechanism. Which means it is fixable/doable.




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    8. Oh please stop.
      October 12, 2017 at 8:19 pm

      Omg get over yourself. You’re not complicated. You don’t like this person romantically. What’s so complicated about that?




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