You keeps running through my mind today. I try to keep the memories from invading my thoughts, but they seem to want to stay. After some time of trying to keep busy, they wouldn’t go anywhere so, I just let them flow. Am I still in love with you? Maybe. Do I still care for you? Most definitely. You were the first woman I have ever been with. You are the first person I have ever been in love with. I think of you when I let myself do so. Thoughts of your eyes and the way you couldn’t stand when I would stare at you. Thoughts of you being the first woman I ever had the pleasure of being with. How I would crave just to see you. Thoughts of you in my arms and the way I just wanted to take care of you. The way we made love and how I would just crumble from one touch. The way you would just kiss me and make me want more of you. It wasn’t just the physical, it was all of you. I wanted you in all the ways possible. Surprisingly, I didn’t let what completely tore us apart sneak into my thoughts this time. This time it was you and I; the way I was head over heals in love with you. You never believed me when I told you that I wanted no one else. Yes, I gave you my body, but you never understood that I gave you what I cherished the most; my heart. The first time we met you were anxious and afraid, but one look at you and I was falling. I was so attracted to you, still is. You always thought just because you were the first woman I was with, I would be looking for something else later, but you were completely wrong. You were it for me. Through all the disappointments,lies and heartache, you were it for me. I wanted you and only you. You pushed me away countless times,but I always came back. Did you ever think to yourself,why? Then, I finally left and after you showed me you had moved on and found someone, it broke my heart. I finally tried to date someone after a year and a half, but she didn’t compare, could never compare. As I sit writing this I realized I try to bury you in my heart and mind. Bury you far away that not even I could reach. Joke on me, it doesn’t seem to work. I remember the last time we saw each other and I stared at you without realizing it. You asked me not to and I pretended I didn’t know what you were talking about. But,oh I did. I looked at you after all the time had passed and realized I was still in love with you. It took me by surprise and I compartmentalized, like I have been taught to do. But, in the back of my mind I also realized that you didn’t love me nor did you want me. So,I continued to bury you in my mind. We said our goodbyes and I never saw you again. Spoke on occasion, but that was it. Many days I wanted to ask you to love me, be with me, but I couldn’t do that. If you wanted me you could have kept me when you had me. After all this time I truly don’t understand why you’re appearing now, but I’m not afraid of the memories any longer. I’m not afraid of looking into the past. I’m at a point in my life where I know, love is not always reciprocated; you love and you lose. But, you hold the most special place in my heart and yes, I still love you. I hope you can find that special person to fulfill everything you can dream of and hope for. I may not have you, but someone is really lucky that does.
My final goodbye
Love me, always