I am smiling again. It feels like forever since I have. I want to tell you about it. It feels less real if I don’t tell YOU.
You’d tell me to go get it. You’d tell me that I can have anything I want and to remember who I am. You’d tell me how you felt meeting me and remind me that anyone would be richer for my attetion. You’d tell me to Shawshank out of here and take whats mine. And maybe Love, maybe I would.
Excpet without you, I am directionless. I feel more like a delusional fool than a beautiful confident woman.
And I know you’d blame yourself partially for that. Don’t. Not that you can…death sort of prevents that. Terrible condition; death. It really makes things difficult.
There are two things I wish we could talk about. First, and most importantly that I felt as if it was my fault. Not directly, of course. Just that all the things that were beyond my control but directly related to me were the cause of your death.
His abuse. Your addiction. Me. I have felt stuck in a hell I can never escape from.
He hurt me pretty badly that night. I called on you. In your most important moment of your life, I needed. You know I never need. I never ask. For the very first time I did. You were so upset. You said ‘Is this what I sent you into?’
I could hear your heartbreaking.
And Im so scared that it drove you back to using. That it killed you.
I’ve been wrestling with this since that fateful call. I know now that I will never know. It will never make sense.
You will be disappointed to know that I didn’t leave. I have my reasons. You know them all. I wont make the usual jokes. I will keep my promise. If it happens again, I will go.
I’ve come to understand what happened with us and what happened to me. Its all quite clear in the aftermath and I have this one last thing to settle. I’ll never be angry at you for wanting me to have a better life. Its the most loving thing anyone has ever or will ever do for me. I am so grateful everyday that you made me leave.
What would I have done if I woke to you cold and lifeless? I couldn’t bear it.
I’m grateful for every single moment and memory. That we were brave. That I have so much now that I wouldn’t have if you didn’t insist I go.
I’m grateful that I know without a doubt that you were sincere. It was difficult to come to that with all the chatter of other people. I had to close that out and read your words. I had to close my eyes and remember things that are very painful to remember. I gathered all my strength and I did it. For you.
I will never doubt again.
I’m sorry that you didn’t get to live out your dream. The one I knew you could live all along. How cruel is life? It leaves you on the day you were about to see all your work and brilliance put out into the world?
I am still so very proud of you.
So here we are. I’m healing.
To my second point then?
I met someone wonderful. Its not…
I’m not going there. I have no intentions other than to enjoy that this person exists. In short, its not like that. However its brightened my days to know there is something still out there.
I can’t describe how much its helped to smile and feel understood again. I can wake up again feeling like there is hope.
I can feel again after such an impossible numbness.
Hope. She’s such a fickle one.
Again, I am grateful. I want to tell you about it so much. More than that, I wish I could share my excitement with you.
Whatever happens tomorrow, now I am sure there is a tomorrow, for me.
You’re always with me. A big voice in my head making inappropriate jokes and pushing me to keep going.
Its always you. Miss.