You know who you are. You must know. You’re one of the only people left that I have worth being upset over. My best friend. Why does that leave a sour echo of laughter in my mind? I know why. You know why. Let’s just admit it already? You used to be my best friend, but what should have pulled us closer has pushed us apart instead. You were always on my side. You were the one I could always rely on, when the world was tearing me apart, and god, does it try that trick often. There’s something to be said about a person who will take you side, even when that side is shrouded in the shadows of dubious motives and actions. I think, well I know, that’s something everybody needs. A small reminder that we are all good people, but sometimes we do terrible things.
You were that to me. You were that to me for so many years it’s hard to count them all. The years you were there far outweigh those that you have not. Perhaps that’s why I’m still stood beside you, perhaps that’s why my mind has a mental blocker that prevents me from walking away.
But, you are not that person any more. You are not my light in dubious doubt. You are the bringer of shadows, the creator of dark. Where you once pushed the fractured pieces of me back together, you now pull, obsessively, as though you have realized your past mistake. You’re mistake in trying to make me whole again.
I miss you. I miss the way you used to look at me. That’s why, when you did, I told you to stop. I told you then, what would happen. That one day you would wake up and the glimmer that caught your attention would be gone. A shiny new penny is only that, until it gets its first scuff. How dirty must my face look to you? How dingy must you feel to be with me.
I want you back more than I could ever put into words, which is obscene, I have you more now than I ever had before. So, why am I so lonely? Do you miss me? Do you miss your best friend, the person who always had your side?
I don’t know what to do any more. I know what people want me to do, think I should do, judge me for not doing. I know that there is no logical reason to why I’m doing this to myself any more. I can justify it in one way or another. I can say I’m afraid to be alone, that you are in no means the worst of my choices, that simply put, I don’t want to hurt you. But, those justifications are just excuses. In truth, I’m waiting. I’m waiting for you to come back. I’m waiting for my best friend to tell me I’m worth more than this, because right now, I really don’t believe that I am. How could I? How could I think that I’m worth anything, when the only person who has ever built me up, has started to pull me apart?
I keep getting told that it will get better. That I should take the leap and believe that there’s something great out there for me, someone great out there for me. I think that’s funny, not that I don’t believe their generic advice. It’s probably true. Things always get worse before they get better and how much worse can things really get? Surely rock bottom has to be around here somewhere? Have I already hit it? Have I somehow managed to miss it? Will I fall forever?
I need you more than ever. I need you in ways that I’ve never needed anyone. I’m falling. I’ve been falling for forever. And now, I’m falling away from you.