• Frustrating

    by  • September 18, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    It’s just…frustrating, really.
    I’m sad, and I don’t even know why I’m sad. But then I think about you and I’m overcome with that feeling of longing and rage and love and hate, and I realize it might have a liiiittle to do with you, maybe adding to the fact that school ended late today and that I’m frustrated about my possible ADHD.
    It’s frustrating because as much as I love you, I want you to leave. I can’t bear to look at you in school, every time I see you my blood boils. Maybe it’s a good thing you don’t actually talk to me face to face, otherwise I might not be able to handle it all, maybe it’s just better and easier this way. I love talking to you, even if lately even that sours my mood. I used to love seeing your face pop up on-screen, now I’m really not sure what to expect. It makes me wanna cry, because we were supposed to be best friends, and you always make me feel unworthy. And I’m trying to get away but I can’t, and I can’t tell if it’s fair, and I can’t tell what you want, and I can’t tell what *I* want…and I really wish it was different. I was gonna say I wish I’d never met you, but that would be such a cruel lie, wouldn’t it? Maybe it would’ve been better for me in the long run, but I can’t really regret it. You used to be the person I trusted most in the world, but now…now I don’t know if I trust you at all. I find myself doubting you every single day, and I can’t seem to understand what I have to do. I’m a little lost right now (to be fair, I usually am). I’m supposed to be on my journey of positivity and self-love, but some days are just…harder, really. Should I just leave you be? Just cut you off? Don’t be cruel, just tell me what to do, just this once, because you know I don’t usually like when you do that…when you tell me you know what’s best, when you say you always know better…the truth is you don’t know shit. It’s just FRUSTRATING. It really is. And I wish I could move on from it all, but it isn’t that simple. It never is.

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