• Dear K

    by  • September 18, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, Smitten • 1 Comment

    I don’t know if you will ever read this, or you only posted it on your tumblr to give another website a “shoutout” but never come here.
    I will say all of this anyway.
    I am a few minutes away from finishing the first part
    Of a journey that you gave me a map to.
    It still blows my damn mind when I think of how I treated you, and then what you gave me in return.
    I didn’t think people like you existed.
    Thank you for seeing the insecure shell of a person that wanted so much to be loved. I didn’t know how, I’m still working on that.
    I do know one thing, if what I am beginning to feel for you, is what love feels like, I want it. All of it. All of you.
    For now, I’ll keep working on myself and ask God to guide your life in what he wants for you and mine for me, and maybe, just maybe, this pathway will lead me
    to you.
    If you ever see this, I hope you write back.

    One Response to Dear K

    1. To Author
      October 8, 2017 at 1:27 pm

      You said you hoped I’d write back. I’m a K but I’m probably not your girl. I still think of him from time to time. It’s very strange and unfortunate how all those years could come down to, well, if you were him, you’d know.

      In all that time, all the years, it was always him, always. There were others but they NEVER came close.
      We had many lovers in between, but it was always him. We were always coming and going. All those years.

      He said he didn’t want a relationship a long time ago and as much as I loved him, that suited me. I got used to things as they were. Then he made out like the idea was mine and held it all against me? It took the bastard over ten years to indicate that what he had said was not at all what he wanted, Betrayal…not to mention…What kind of….(insert one million swear words here)?

      You can hurt someone and not even know it. All the times he hurt me before the last time, I kept it to myself and then he had the audacity to make out like this was all my fault? What? Useless suffering? He set me up. He set us both up for failure.

      His life rocketed along in good form while he pointed the finger of blame at me and I lapped it up. Blamed myself. Even when it no longer made sense I stayed true to the cause. I didn’t see it at the time what I now see as a cause focused on my own destruction.

      He probably doesn’t remember the part where I asked why it had to be so nasty. He likely doesn’t remember the part where he told me that’s because this is the way things end when they end.

      We never even had a beginning. I didn’t need one. I could have done without the foul, disgusting, nasty, abusive, disturbing end but hey, it’s okay.

      After all the time he held so tightly onto thoughts that could only ever cause us – mostly me – pain and beliefs about my character and my motives it’s A okay.

      I used to think my love for him was unbreakable. Thank God he broke it.

      It was pretty smashed up, near beyond repair, and then I met someone, a man, who DOES come before you any minute, any hour, any day of the week. He is more suited to me than you in every possible way, I’m just astounded that someone so brilliant exists. He is like me in so many ways but brilliant and inspiring and beautiful, my adventure buddy, I see now that’s what you likely stood in the way of all through the years which is fine but I know now and I’m happy.

      You were such a big part of my life. I still think of you, never fondly, but that’s the way it is when someone ends in such a vicious way. I never want you back.I could wish I’d never met you but sadly its something I can’t change.

      I see so much in retrospect. Everything turned out perfectly, really, Checkmated so that you can NEVER stroll back on in.

      Some parts of me are evil now. They weren’t before. I needed to embrace some darkness to survive and I have and I’m okay with that so long as it protects me from you which it has proven to do. I sometimes smile thinking of you in the final chapter, all high and mighty with your aces you were. Mister archenemy. I’m sure it felt good at the time, right? When it all appeared to be going your way, right?

      Except that you were so focused on bringing me pain it became distraction to serving your supposed objective, right? There you were, waving your aces in the air. As was I, hands shaking clasped around my straight flush.

      I won.

      You’re cocky but you aren’t stupid. You will never be forgiven. Goodbyes too good a word.

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