I don’t really know how to start this, I’m not even sure what I’m writing. I guess this is my goodbye.
I cannot tell you how much I miss how we were in the beginning. It was beautiful, true, and we were known as the cringiest couple ever. But we didn’t care because we absolutely loved the bones of each other. You used to randomly tell me all the reasons why you were in love with me, I miss falling asleep on the phone and waking up at 3am and you’d still be there on the phone peacefully asleep. I miss when our last exchange every single day was “I love you” without fail. I miss when you’d just stare at me as if I was the first person you’d ever seen, the most beautiful person you’d ever seen. And I’d get all shy and giggly and ask you what you were looking at me for. And your response would be “I fucking love you more than anything.” I miss going into a shop and seeing something I think you’d like, and putting it under your pillow with a note reading “I love you.” He loved gin. So it was usually a tiny bottle of one of his favourite gins. Our infinity bracelets with our anniversary engraved on, I still haven’t taken that off. I wonder if you still wear yours, he had a thing with bracelets and once he got one he’d vow never to take it off. I miss talking about getting engaged, I miss listening to you talk about all the crazy proposal ideas you had. I miss when you’d randomly turn up to my place at uni (we were doing long distance) and I’d run into your arms and you’d wrap them around me, what scares me is that I will forever be chasing the absolute high you gave me. I can’t believe it’s over. I can’t. We planned our lives together, we moved to another country together, we got a dog together even though everyone said it was stupid we didn’t care. Although now I wish we never went. Maybe we’d still be together now if we just waited a year or so.
One of the first things you said to me after a brief conversation was “you’re cute.” And I got all shy, couldn’t look at him and was all embarrassed and he said from that moment he knew I was going to be someone special. We spent that entire night together after work in the casino, I had no idea how those machines worked and you’d keep giving me pounds so I could try and win and I kept losing, (sorry), and we just talked all night. Getting to know each other. You’re such an interesting guy, you’ve been through so much and if I could go back and do it all again with you I would in a heartbeat. The next day I was waiting for a message off you and it was getting kind of late so I was getting disappointed. But then you did. And you should’ve seen the smile on my face when I saw your name pop up on my phone with the message “you been waiting for me to message you all day haven’t you.” Cocky twat, but yes, I had. We arranged to meet the next day, I went to his and we watched horror movies and he got me some Oreo chocolate, which is.. was now our favourite chocolate and we’d get it on all our date nights, sort of as a “look how far we’ve come” because it’d always remind me of when we first met. We just clicked. He told me after we’d been together a few months that that was the day he fell in love with me. Just like that. I stayed the night, which was weird for me because I never did this kind of thing. We just cuddled and smiled at each other, as if we couldn’t believe we’d found our soulmate at 20 years old. You were, are my soul mate. And the next day, we were official. 25.08.16.
Being with you was the best year of my life, I hope you know that. You changed me as a person, you were my best friend and my boyfriend and I was, am so so in love with you. And I will be for a long time. I only ever want you to be happy. To make something of your life, because despite what you’ve been through, you’re a fucking amazing man. I used to watch as you’d play with your nephew and it was the most touching thing, one day you’re going to make a great dad. And playing silly card games with you and your nana for hours on end every evening, everyone getting pissy over monopoly because you were a big cheat haha. You can make something of your life. I know you don’t think that but you can.
I hope I bump into you in a few years and see you doing well. See you happy. Maybe we will go on a walk and you’ll get us lost, like you always do. Usually on purpose because you “like adventure.” Wasn’t so fun when we ended up 7 miles from home at midnight in the rain and you had no idea how to get us back yet you’d still claim “it’s this way!! Trust me it’s a short cut.” It was never a shortcut you dick. One “shortcut” consisted of walking through 2 meter high crops in a farmers field – didn’t really enjoy that…
I can’t believe it’s over H. We really did think we’d end up together didn’t we. I’ll always be thinking of you gorgeous, always. And I love you with all my heart. I hope you know that.
Goodbye my love.
Forever and always,