it has been two years and 3 days since I saw your face.
There was lot I didn’t say.
A lot of things that I wanted to say.
For starters,I wanted to call you baby.
I’m listening to songs,imagining you were the one singing those lyrics to me.
Every song on the American Teen that reminds me of you.no.they remind me of what my heart imagines you to be.
I imagine you being those words for me…
“wanting to come thru”
“I don’t need nothing else but you”
You were this deep.You really were.
“I’ll keep your number saved”
“no one else is going to hold you down like I do”
“I’m hoping that you’ll you’re missing me the way I’m missing you”
I miss you.
“…finally over you”
I wanted to hold your hands. andI wanted you to hold mine back.
That was what I wanted.
For 7 months I wanted just that.
I went through your instagram page and I wanted to hold your hands.
If you loved me enough you would have wanted the same.It would be enough knowing you felt that way.
You are and you’re still my first and only boyfriend.
You loved me from the moon and back.
We had the innocent high school relationship.
I told my self that 2 months after wanting your hands.You were probably with another girl.You probably changed.
There was always another girl and she was prettier and richer than me.
You dated us both.I knew.
Deep in my heart I know it was me you loved more.
For these two months I wanted to tell you how much I hated you and the other girl.I wanted to tell you that I wanted to be with you.I wanted to tell you how much I hated prom because you took her not me to yours.I wanted to tell you how much I hated the sight of food,it reminded me of you.Music reminded me of you.I wanted to tell you that I hated the rubber marks on my arms.I hated the poem I shared with her.I hated not knowing if you also gave her a bandana.
I hated everything.I truly did.
But you know the weirdest thing about hating everything?It made me miss you more.
No one could love me like you do.I do love you.I didn’t think things would end up this way.Do you still love me?I love you.Please text me.
Those were the words that my heart bleed for the next 8 months.
they were the same words I never sent to you.instead I sent a long email about how you helped me.
You sent a short thank you note.
I never forgot your birthday.08/16.
why would i? Because of that day I knew that I could sacrifice for you.It wasn’t much to you but i’d never do it for another.
You told me a lot.I never told you.
I never got a birthday wish from you.you probably never remembered mine.
such cruel heart.She never stopped thinking about if you were OK.
such feeble hands.She didn’t have the courage to tell you what she wanted.
such proud mind.She would never admit it.
I buried you in my thoughts.I went through your instagram.I liked you pictures.That was the best I could do.That was the only thing I could do.
another 5months went by.
You became the muse I could not use.
The lyrics I could never sing.
My Everything that was my Nothing.
I wrote a prose about my definition of love.
I wrote poems all about the girl who couldn’t move on.
She liked other guys but she was bugged by the thought of a lover.A lover who was miles a way,beyond the sea.Her love was a wall.
You’re my wall.You still are.and for the past two months all I want is to call you baby.
I want that from my birthday and my Christmas.
Happy Belated Birthday,I’m sorry I didn’t tell you that this year.It was my way of not being so not on you.
but cheers to you.
You taught me all the stupid shit that young people do.You taught me that I could be beautiful when it was just us.
Two years and three days since I saw you,We are miles away but I can’t accept we aren’t together.
We never broke up.
I hope we never will MY American.
please text me.