I am gay. Not a little, not bi…..I’m talking 100% GAY.
But I do not understand what you are.
I believed you might be gay many years ago and gave you many vibes that I liked you.
I was in love with you and I got vibes you had feelings for me but nothing solid.
I waited for years but got nowhere with you, and it hurt me inside.
I thought many things.
1. You were not gay, I was just crazy.
2. You were gay, but there was at least 1 other person and possibly another that you had feelings for (I am 100% sure that they are/were both 100% straight).
3. You were gay but was not interested in me.
4. You were gay and interested in me but never going to accept it or do anything about it, ever.
* There were many more scenarios and mixtures of the above list, but these were the top.
Every scenario left me being the loser.
I hated being gay. I hated being in love with you and having to stay silent.
I was hurting on a daily basis.
I was dating Women on and off in those years but had not for a long time while I was trying to court you.
So when I gave up on you, I starting dating women again to forget about you and about being gay. You reacted by disappearing, I went from seeing you every day to seeing you a couple times a year instantly. When I did see you, you acted weird, like someone in emotional pain. I was so confused. I ignored what I saw and acted all happy like everything was great between us, but I knew it wasn’t. I just didn’t have it in me to go thru that with you again only to end up without you. I mean we had not communicated feelings at all, we were just a couple of straight friends.
Then poof, you were gone…
Now its decades later, I probably saw you less than three times between the early 90’s and 2016. You disappeared from all your friends from back then, probably to get away from me.
In 2016 I contacted you and apologized for being a dick to you back then (I didn’t really know how to apologize for something we never even talked about). You responded with “you were always nice to be, I don’t know what your talking about”. I asked if we could get together after all this time and you responded with something like “I could probably see you now”, a statement that left me confused once again. I continued to contact you but you stopped responding, and then you shutdown your account.
Two months pass and out of the blue you re-enable your account and respond to my two month old messages as if there was no gap in time.
After using heavy persuasion, we actually met and now I have seen you about 4 or 5 times in the past 6 months. I can’t say it was easy to arrange those meetings.
I now know you never married and barely dated. You work 12 hour days, 6 and sometimes 7 days a week. You are only close with your family and a small group of friends you made over the years.
I can’t believe after more than two decades, how you still instantly light a fire in my heart, mind, and body.
I can’t fix the mistakes I made. You can’t fix mistakes you made (If you think you made any). We can’t recover the years we lost. We probably can’t ever be together (But I do find myself wishing for that miracle).
I can be your friend and you can be mine. Seeing you these few times filled a gigantic two decade old hole in my soul. And according to your sister who I ran into and said something like “I am so glad you two reconnected, he has been happier than I have seen him in years”.
I fell deeply in love with you so many years ago. I have conceded to the fact that I always will always love you. I can also deal with just being your friend.
I still want to know what you felt when it comes to me. Please tell me, I really need to know. I still feel like I am crazy. I know you know I will never tell anyone if your gay.
I can also handle it if you are not.
I have backed down on my communication with you because I think I was a bit smothering.
I am sorry for that, buried feelings from 25 years ago surfaced and caused a title-wave of thoughts and feelings.