• Dude, please read this.

    by  • September 15, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 2 Comments

    I am gay. Not a little, not bi…..I’m talking 100% GAY.
    But I do not understand what you are.
    I believed you might be gay many years ago and gave you many vibes that I liked you.
    I was in love with you and I got vibes you had feelings for me but nothing solid.
    I waited for years but got nowhere with you, and it hurt me inside.
    I thought many things.

    1. You were not gay, I was just crazy.
    2. You were gay, but there was at least 1 other person and possibly another that you had feelings for (I am 100% sure that they are/were both 100% straight).
    3. You were gay but was not interested in me.
    4. You were gay and interested in me but never going to accept it or do anything about it, ever.
    * There were many more scenarios and mixtures of the above list, but these were the top.
    Every scenario left me being the loser.

    I hated being gay. I hated being in love with you and having to stay silent.
    I was hurting on a daily basis.
    I was dating Women on and off in those years but had not for a long time while I was trying to court you.

    So when I gave up on you, I starting dating women again to forget about you and about being gay. You reacted by disappearing, I went from seeing you every day to seeing you a couple times a year instantly. When I did see you, you acted weird, like someone in emotional pain. I was so confused. I ignored what I saw and acted all happy like everything was great between us, but I knew it wasn’t. I just didn’t have it in me to go thru that with you again only to end up without you. I mean we had not communicated feelings at all, we were just a couple of straight friends.
    Then poof, you were gone…

    Now its decades later, I probably saw you less than three times between the early 90’s and 2016. You disappeared from all your friends from back then, probably to get away from me.

    In 2016 I contacted you and apologized for being a dick to you back then (I didn’t really know how to apologize for something we never even talked about). You responded with “you were always nice to be, I don’t know what your talking about”. I asked if we could get together after all this time and you responded with something like “I could probably see you now”, a statement that left me confused once again. I continued to contact you but you stopped responding, and then you shutdown your account.
    Two months pass and out of the blue you re-enable your account and respond to my two month old messages as if there was no gap in time.

    After using heavy persuasion, we actually met and now I have seen you about 4 or 5 times in the past 6 months. I can’t say it was easy to arrange those meetings.

    I now know you never married and barely dated. You work 12 hour days, 6 and sometimes 7 days a week. You are only close with your family and a small group of friends you made over the years.
    I can’t believe after more than two decades, how you still instantly light a fire in my heart, mind, and body.

    I can’t fix the mistakes I made. You can’t fix mistakes you made (If you think you made any). We can’t recover the years we lost. We probably can’t ever be together (But I do find myself wishing for that miracle).

    I can be your friend and you can be mine. Seeing you these few times filled a gigantic two decade old hole in my soul. And according to your sister who I ran into and said something like “I am so glad you two reconnected, he has been happier than I have seen him in years”.

    I fell deeply in love with you so many years ago. I have conceded to the fact that I always will always love you. I can also deal with just being your friend.

    I still want to know what you felt when it comes to me. Please tell me, I really need to know. I still feel like I am crazy. I know you know I will never tell anyone if your gay.
    I can also handle it if you are not.

    I have backed down on my communication with you because I think I was a bit smothering.
    I am sorry for that, buried feelings from 25 years ago surfaced and caused a title-wave of thoughts and feelings.

    2 Responses to Dude, please read this.

    1. Jessica
      September 15, 2017 at 9:49 pm

      Hey, you should actually tell his sister this at least, so she can show him this. I know that sounds crazy, but if you can’t tell this to him yourself, which you actually should, then at least show someone who’s close to him (but who you are also close with) so that SHE can tell him or at least show you some sign that he might want to come back to you, regardless of his sexuality.

      • D-
        September 16, 2017 at 8:24 pm

        Being gay can be complex. He had some fucked up shit happen to him as a child. If I tell his sister, It could push him farther into the closet (If he’s in it) and it would all blow up in my face.
        I am going to be his friend and show him I am still trustworthy.
        I know now being his friend is so much better than not seeing him for two decades.
        It has to be his choice.

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