• to my big brother

    by  • September 13, 2017 • * Safe for Work *, To You • 0 Comments

    That was when it all started.
    The fighting. The betrayal. The pain. The crying. The jealousy. Everything.
    I wish I could go back in time and stop myself from starting all those petty fights with you.
    I wish I could go back in time and tell you just how much you meant to me at the time.
    I wish I could have told her to stop.
    I wish I could have told you that I was sorry.
    I wish that none of this ever happened.
    I wish that just once I said that I wanted to stop fighting for good. Whether that meant having you or having to give you up.
    I wish…
    Damn, I wish….
    I wish I had never lost you in the first place.
    I wish that you were still the sweet, caring, kind person I once knew.
    That December night, a week before Christmas, that fight…
    I thought I had lost you for good. You blocked me. I blocked you. You tore me apart and stomped on the pieces, leaving me to pick them up and put myself back together as best as I could. Broken pieces never fitting quite right. And yet, somehow I found the tiny sliver of you I saw in myself and put it back in me, despite how sick it made me.
    A month later you came back. Apologizing. But did you mean it? You claimed you were here to stay, again. However, the next day, you were gone. And I wish… I wish I was smart enough to realize that you never intended to stay. I wish I had never screwed myself over. I wish I listened to the little voice at the back of my mind, just that once. I wish I had never gone crawling back to you. To the pain. The betrayal. The fighting. The crying. The insults. The toxic situation it was.
    But look at us now. You’re back. But for how long? How long until you leave out of the blue? How long until I break my own heart by believing that you’ll stay? How long do I have to keep my guard up? How much longer until I have to beg her to help me pick up the pieces and throw out the one involving you? How much longer until I don’t see your posts anymore?

    How much longer will that be our song?

    How much longer will that be our saying?

    How much longer until you forget me?

    How much longer will you care?

    How much longer will you show that you love me?

    How much longer will you love me?

    How much longer can I call you my older brother?

    Please… tell me.

    – Little Sis

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