I don’t know how I got there. I don’t know what was going through my mind, or what I was wanting, or what happened exactly. All I can remember is how it felt. Here is my side or what I remember:
I think it was really late, or really early depending on your view of time. I felt so warm, so cozy. As we snuggled, I quickly became aware of more of my surroundings. I could faintly hear your voice. It sounded at if you were far away, but coming closer with each repeat of my name. Then I heard you say, “Oh my God.” I felt a brush of your hand between my legs and instantly knew that I was naked from my waist down. Your voice alternated between that phrase amd my name, and as I slowly became conscious to my environment, I came to the sudden realization that your mouth was right next to my ear. Upon opening my eyes, I saw total darkness. Fear and humiliation began to set in as I realized that I had somehow stumbled my way into your bed, half naked, and you didn’t want me there. Apparently no matter how hard I tried to hide my feelings for you, my body was determined to let you know. And now I had crossed a line. I did the only thing I could do, I stood up and walked out of your room.
The next time this site updated, “Do you” was posted. Once again, I fell into these destructive thinking patterns. I decided to talk to you, and make sure it was all real. I had to face what I had done. You were very kind and gracious about it, assuring me that it was real and that nothing had happened. But I never told you how it felt, lying next to you. And I never asked how it made you feel, for fear that you would tell me how horrible I am for crossing that line. And ever since this discussion you have become so distant with me.
You once told me under your breath, mumbling as you so often do, what I think I heard was, “What if I wanted something to happen.” But you wouldn’t repeat the words when I asked you to clarify. Was that real? Is that what you said? If so, did you mean it, or were you just messing with me?
I need to know what it is you want from me. One minute you’re saying things under your breath like that. The next, you tell me about some hot girl you have something going on with. Then you avoid me. Then I notice your eyes lingering. Then you stop hugging me, and telling me you love me. Are you trying to make me crazy?
Omg. You are. Rereading this, you have moved on. There must be someone else, and you are keeping me strung along! I get it now. I deserve that. Its okay. I am sorry to have interrupted your life. Carry on! I will do my best to walk away.